Fifty Shades of Meh

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.
Big deal.
I see that every time I stand naked in front of the bathroom mirror.

So the big horn-dog fest of 2015 is about to hit multiplex screens around the world and the seats will be filled with moist soccer moms around the globe, all over-flowing with latent desires rising to the surface begging to be released in the frenzied battle cry:

"WHIP ME! BEAT ME! MAKE ME WRITE BAD CHECKS!"

In the meantime, their significant others are home enjoying a fapathon on their laptops while checking out the latest on NipSlip.com.

Well, one person's erotica is another's Skinamax. What ever gets the job done. At least it's a pretty much of a lock that folks is goin' to get busy after the final credits roll, probably even more so than after the book's publication, at least initially. Perhaps there's even a new Baby Boom on the horizon. Let's check back next year at this time. There could be a lovely married couple pushing a stroller around Trader Joe's, introducing their young 'un to everyone in the cheese section.
"This is our son, Mr. Grey."

This movie will be good for the economy too. Necktie sales will spike to an all-time high. Home Depot will reap the benefits when couples will be building their walk-in dungeons right off their family rooms. Unfortunately, Tampax won't be able to reap the benefits of the greatest product placement of all time since a key element from the book was cut from the film. Here's a portion of that scene in question.

FIFTY SHADES is actually nothing new, y'all. It's basically a re-booty of the 1986 Adrian Lyne spankapalaooza 91/2 WEEKS (1986). Jamie Dornan is basically a blander, more handsome, but less creepy version of Mickey Rourke. (Check out Dornan in the TV show THE FALL for another version of the same character) Dakota Johnson is certainly no Kim Basinger, but I guess that's what really separates the two movies. SHADES is more a generic female fantasy, hence the blah heroine. In the trailer, when she meets the mysterious Mr. Grey, she almost comes off like Agnes Gooch.

These fantasies aren't just the domain of women. I myself have had lifelong attractions to what might be considered dominatrix archetypes. Diana Rigg's Mrs. Rigg rocked my young boat in her leather jumpsuit on the old AVENGERS TV show. She still stirs up my innards, but only from the early years. I don't exactly want to see her in that get-up at her current age. And I think Carrie Ann Moss in THE MATRIX is Mrs. Peel's heir apparent.


Sure, these are fanboy fueled desires, hence the importance of costuming. 99% of us would go running in the opposite direction if we encountered these leather-clad hotties in real life. But we're talking fantasies here, right? Who else are you expecting me to drool over? Nurse Diesel?

Anyway, the  bottom-line is that FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is going to make a fortune, guaranteeing a sequel, several copycats and parodies and will wear out its welcome long before the end of the year.. There will be outcry from those who will decry that this is yet another example of the fall of civilization while others will be happily boffing up a storm until the next day when they are rubbing salve on their rope and rug burns as they try to come up with a new safe word that will be easier to remember next time and won't make you giggle.

Am I going to see this film? Not likely. Besides, I heard it ends on a sad note.
                                                                   
*SPOILER ALERT*

The couple breaks up in the end.

Apparently, he doesn't want to be tied down.

Thank you!

I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitresses, but not over a chair...unless it's consensual.

HAPPY BONKING !

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I Wish I Was An Oscar Trophy Winner

Time's a wastin'! In mere days, the Academy Awards will be announced and the world is waiting with baited breath (breath that smells like nightcrawlers) for my presdictions this year. For the love of Meryl Streep, there are Oscar office pools that are perched on the edges of their cubicles just for my expert analysis.

Right..................

Here goes nothing:

BEST PICTURE: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
No contest. Everything seems to be pointed this way and if the accumulation of every other award is any indication, which it usually is, it will be victorious. Deservedly so, I might add. This is a real MOVIE movie. Danny has accomplished a fairy tale for the 21st Century and I fell in love with it myself, just as just about everyone else has around the world. I am torn because of MILK (which I haven't seen, but it's the Californian liberal in me that still exists) and Gus van Sant is the hometown (Portland, Or) favorite, but I go with my gut and my heart on this.

BEST DIRECTOR: DANNY BOYLE
For everything I said above. It's great to see him finally realize his potential. (Check out MILLIONS sometime for another Boyle treasure.)

BEST ACTOR
MICKEY ROURKE
Sean Penn is the favorite, almost a consolation prize for MILK losing Best Picture, but this is my underdog pick for a guy that really deserves it. THE WRESTLER gets so many things right, but ultimately is flawed, falling apart in the final reel. But Rourke never hits a wrong note and overcomes all odds in a performance that will live forever.

BEST ACTRESS
KATE WINSLET
It's time. I wish it was for REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, strangely passed over by Academy voters, but she'll walk away with gold for THE READER.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
PENELOPE CRUZ
All indications point in this direction. Besides, look how many Best Supporting Actresses came from Woody Allen films.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
HEATH LEDGER
Way to go out on a limb...

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
MILK
Another compensation for not winning the big prize and a chance to make a speech about gay rights.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
A no-brainer. Not the screenplay. The award.

BEST SONG
The closing credits song from SLUMDOG. Fine. I don't the name of it. Do you?
SM will also win FILM EDITING, CINEMATOGRAPHY and ORIGINAL SCORE, making it the big winner of the evening with a grand total of 6

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
WALL-E
Why don't they just rename it the Pixar award?

That's all, folks. Figger the rest out yerself.

Check back to see if I'm right or just so terribly wrong.

Speaking of Which...

"Oh, God, do I hate show business..."
"Joe, you love show business."
"That's right. I love show business. I'll go either way."

That snippet of dialogue is from Bob Fosse's classic ALL THAT JAZZ, written by Robert Alan Authur, and sums pretty much how I feel about it all. I hate it. I love it. Actually it's more that I love the show and hate the business, but what it really boils down to is the yin, the yang and the whole damn thang. Each day brings more news from the world of entertainment that just infuriates me to no end...but I can't stop caring about it because it is my red-headed stepchild.

For example...

Pat O'Brien on The Dr. Phil Special, a classic case of the worm that eats its own tail. Here's a guy that nobody should know. He is a non-celebrity. He's just a reporter on a gossip show. He goes into rehab for drug and alcohol abuse but not before alerting his media brethren. Exiting
his stay at E! The True Hollywood Detox Center, he makes a date to have his crash and burn showcased on a Dr. Phil episode. My question is: WHO GIVES A SHIT? The only Pat O'Brien anyone should ever know was the Warner Brothers actors form the 1930s. I'll take Potatoes O'Brien over this zippity-doo-nothing. Why do we feel the need to invent the news? It's like this Paula Abdul non-scandal. Oh my God! Don't tell that the American Karaoke show could lose its integrity now? It's the end of the world!

Speaking of which...

In the print ads for THE INTERPRETER, Sean Penn looks like Mrs. Doubtfire in profile. Of course he's not Mrs. Doubtfire. Sean Penn is one of our finest actors.

Speaking of which...

Will Ferrell may just very well be this year's Ben Stiller. His latest,  KICKING AND SCREAMING, looks like contractual obligation as it is. Then he follows that up with the BEWITCHED "re-imagining". Two words, Will: Elliott Gould. Look it up.

Speaking of which...

Why is Ice Cube's back turned toward the camera in the print ads for XXX: STATE OF THE UNION? His face is simply not shown nor is his name above the title (as it should be-he's earned it) or even mentioned in the movie's trailer? It's as though the studio was trying to distance themselves away from the Iceman. Someone should speak to Mr. Cube or at least his agent over this obvious dissing.

Speaking of which...

Box office analysts are predicting that the HOUSE OF WAX remake may be the number one movie of the weekend since it features the grisly death of Paris Hilton's character. Give the public what they want... Apparently she gets the business end of a spear shoved through her forehead. Well, at least it won't cause any real damage. Hey, this might be a step in the right direction for her. Maybe it will culminate in a remake of FACES OF DEATH. Now THAT'S entertainment.

Speaking of which...

Catch SIN CITY before it leaves the theaters. This is the first movie in a long time that I've actually wanted to see a second time...in a theater. Oh, it has its flaws, particularly with some of the hard-bitten dialogue that some actors aren't capable of grasping. (This means you, Brittany Murphy) And although I thought Clive Owen had the right look for the part, he is the first Brit I've seen in quite awhile that actually sounds weaker with an American accent. But the pluses outweigh the minuses ten-fold. The Mickey Rourke sequence is worth the price of admission alone. Rourke as the character Marv will no doubt be the most memorable character of the year. Robert Rodriquez has leap-frogged to this front of the pack on sheer BALLS alone, telling the Directors Guild to go fuck themselves while he makes movies the way HE wants to make them. Unfortunately, the last fifteen minutes of the film were disrupted by the audio bleed-through from the neighboring film (AMITYVILLE) at the Regal Cinema I chose to view SIN CITY. They're damn lucky I didn't go all Marv on them for this intrusion. You'd think I'd learn. But I don't. Still in all, it could not dampen the impact of this great film. Great film. When was the last time those two words have gone together?

I had to end on a positive note. I just had to.