There's a war on Christmas!
Yes, my friends, there is a push toward a Holy War in this country or, more apropos, a Holy Civil War. Duck and cover, 'tis the season to be surly.
Why are they so many pinheads in this world? Has there always been this percentage of the populace that are just FAT-heads...and I do mean they have heads chock full o' animal fat...and there seems to be an abundance of these feebs and cretins because of over-population? Or was an unreported Stupid Bomb detonated in outer space and radiation is just raining down upon the Earth on a daily basis?
There is a Major Tool on the Northwest radio airwaves named Lars Larson (no kidding, that's his real name-sounds all Hanna-Barbera, doesn't it?) who actually wanted to erect a cross in downtown Portland opposite a large menorah and the unfortunately renamed "Holiday" tree to educate we heathens about the true meaning of Xmas. Bob's Big Boy lookalike Lars kinda mixed up his holidays. The Nativity scene is a little more symbolic of the season. The crucifix commemorates Easter, I believe. However, it was thought that the baby Jesus would be stolen by left-wing wackos (because that's what they do). The kibosh was put on the cross too since Lars and his minions heard it would be desecrated in some manner as well...or turned into a cellular tower.
On top of this is this notion that saying Happy Holidays is just plain WRONG! It's EVIL! It's not CHRISTIAN!
Shut up! It's a GREETING, YOU IGNORAMUSES! What the hell is wrong about an all-encompassing greeting? Yes, it's Christmas, Yes, it's Hanukkah. Yes, it's Kwanzaa. Yes, it's a bunch of other holidays whether you like it or not.
Okay, fine. Let's just call it what it is then. If it's Christmas and only Christmas, let's pronounce it correctly. From now on, it's the long I. Phonetically...Crystmas.
And no more Santa Claus either. I don't remember him in that story. Besides, a simple respelling of the name Santa becomes...well, you know who.
As for the rest of you nitwits, it's a Christmas tree. That's what it's called. They're Christmas carols...songs about Christmas. Stop it already. Quit provoking these fools. Leave the holidays alone. Save your political correctness diatribes for your non-denominational cocktail parties where you can load up on Asti Spumante and tofu appetizers and trash Republicans from now until New Year's.
Small wonder why I have no spirit right now. This is the time of year when we're supposed to drop all this bullshit for at least a little while. Can't we at least try to enjoy ourselves and concentrate on things that are really important and personal in our lives? Let's have a cease fire, okay? (I think I'm just repeating what I said last year at this time but so what.) Granted, no one right now is exactly living the Life of Riley, not even Riley himself. The world is totally fucked up. There's an obscene war going on, we've had the worst series of weather conditions in anyone's given memory, the Republicans hate the Democrats and the Democrats hate the Republicans, everyone is stressed out their minds for one reason and/or another due to crime, inflation, poverty, hunger....etc., etc.,etc. We're all doomed!!!!!!!!!
But hey, everybody, listen to Linus.
Do you hear what I hear?
It's Christmas, Charlie Brown.
All that horrible stuff is going to be here next week. There's no reason to have agita every single freaking day.
Take a break. Be good to each other and, I mean this literally, for Christ's sake, be good to yourselves for a change.
From all of us...
...to all of you....
Happy Holidays
Now shut the fuck up.
