Do You Hear What I Hear?

Fire in the ho-ho-ho!

There's a war on Christmas!

Yes, my friends, there is a push toward a Holy War in this country or, more apropos, a Holy Civil War. Duck and cover, 'tis the season to be surly.

Why are they so many pinheads in this world? Has there always been this percentage of the populace that are just FAT-heads...and I do mean they have heads chock full o' animal fat...and there seems to be an abundance of these feebs and cretins because of over-population? Or was an unreported Stupid Bomb detonated in outer space and  radiation is just raining down upon the Earth on a daily basis?

There is a Major Tool on the Northwest radio airwaves named Lars Larson (no kidding, that's his real name-sounds all Hanna-Barbera, doesn't it?) who actually wanted to erect a cross in downtown Portland opposite a large menorah and the unfortunately renamed "Holiday" tree to educate we heathens about the true meaning of Xmas. Bob's Big Boy lookalike Lars kinda mixed up his holidays. The Nativity scene is a little more symbolic of the season. The crucifix commemorates Easter, I believe. However, it was thought that the baby Jesus would be stolen by left-wing wackos (because that's what they do). The kibosh was put on the cross too since Lars and his minions heard it would be desecrated in some manner as well...or turned into a cellular tower.

On top of this is this notion that saying Happy Holidays is just plain WRONG! It's EVIL! It's not CHRISTIAN!

Shut up! It's a GREETING, YOU IGNORAMUSES! What the hell is wrong about an all-encompassing greeting? Yes, it's Christmas, Yes, it's Hanukkah. Yes, it's Kwanzaa. Yes, it's a bunch of other holidays whether you like it or not.

Okay, fine. Let's just call it what it is then. If it's Christmas and only Christmas, let's pronounce it correctly. From now on, it's the long I. Phonetically...Crystmas.

And no more Santa Claus either. I don't remember him in that story. Besides, a simple respelling of the name Santa becomes...well, you know who.

As for the rest of you nitwits, it's a Christmas tree. That's what it's called. They're Christmas carols...songs about Christmas. Stop it already. Quit provoking these fools. Leave the holidays alone. Save your political correctness diatribes for your non-denominational cocktail parties where you can load up on Asti Spumante and tofu appetizers and trash Republicans from now until New Year's.

Small wonder why I have no spirit right now. This is the time of year when we're supposed to drop all this bullshit for at least a little while. Can't we at least try to enjoy ourselves and concentrate on things that are really important and personal in our lives? Let's have a cease fire, okay? (I think I'm just repeating what I said last year at this time but so what.) Granted, no one right now is exactly living the Life of Riley, not even Riley himself. The world is totally fucked up. There's an obscene war going on, we've had the worst series of weather conditions in anyone's given memory, the Republicans hate the Democrats and the Democrats hate the Republicans, everyone is stressed out their minds for one reason and/or another due to crime, inflation, poverty, hunger....etc., etc.,etc. We're all doomed!!!!!!!!!

But hey, everybody, listen to Linus.
Do you hear what I hear?
It's Christmas, Charlie Brown.

All that horrible stuff is going to be here next week. There's no reason to have agita every single freaking day.

Take a break. Be good to each other and, I mean this literally, for Christ's sake, be good to yourselves for a change.

From all of us...
...to all of you....

Happy Holidays

Now shut the fuck up.

Katrina's a Nasty Bitch

Welcome to the Department of Redundancy as just one more blog about the country's worst disaster, the one, the only Mother of All Ball Busting Whores, Hurricane Katrina. What can be said that hasn't been said by better (and maybe worse)bloggers than myself? Probably not a helluva lot, though isn't it interesting that this occurred near the same time of the OTHER big story of the 21st Century, that being 9/11. Oh you remember 9/11, don't you? It was in all the papers. You recall that this country was sucker punched in the heart by a band of scum-sucking rat bastards and how, ever so briefly, time positively stopped and we all looked at each other in a brand new light. There was a unity that hadn't existed in my lifetime and for once, I was actually proud to be an American.

Of course, pride, being what it is, has a tendency to overrule other emotions and, more often than not, common sense. As time wore on, so did the swelling of the chest when the realization that not only were things back where they were, they were even worse. Comparisons between the two disasters are not so readily apparent. It lies in the difference between PRIDE and SHAME. I guess we can handle ourselves during UN-natural disasters. As far as something that happens naturally...like the freakish weather, well, it may depend on not only the color of your skin, but the amount in your wallet. Class warfare still exists as much today as racism.

Oh, but we can't play The Blame Game, can we? No siree. (Hey, wouldn't that be a great show on The Game Show Network? It's The Blame Game w/ Chuck Woolery! ) I don't care who blames who anymore. Just get the goddamn job done and help the South rise again. Come on, W. Them states that need the most help are RED, ain't they?

By the way, what the hell was he doing in the early stages anyway-listening to an audio book version of MY PET GOAT? He reminds me of a character from the very first Pee Wee Herman Show broadcast on HBO in the eighties. Pee Wee showed an old educational film about manners featuring a character named Mr. Bungle (in the manner of Highlights magazine's Goofus and Gallant) Mr. Bungle couldn't do anything right. . George W. Bungle. He can't do nothin' right! Well, he did manage to get himself re-elected.

Celebrities are out in force too, pitching where needed and not necessarily wanted by the Powers That Be, but some are really showing what they're made of. Oprah and her Army are there, but that's expected. As much as I rake her over the coals on a regular basis, there's no denying she has a huge heart and thankfully, deep pockets. Two weeks ago, I would slapped Sean Penn across the nutsack with a Cricket paddle for going to Iran for another left wing travelogue, but now I want to shake his hand for actually rescuing survivors. Was it just for publicity? Who knows? It still happened and people are still alive for his efforts. Then there's all the fund raising that I hope gets in to the right hands because as we all have learned, you trust the bureaucracies, can we? As for Kanye West's comments about Bush, who gives a shit? I think he scared poor Mike Myers who hasn't been seen since.

There's a turd with a microphone, an ultra conservative talk show host here in Portland named Lars Larson. Now I will him credit for his fund raising efforts with the Salvation Army last week, but to hear him speak, he may want to make sure this money goes to those survivors with a lighter skin tone. There was talk of bringing about 1000 survivors here in Oregon, putting them up in a deserted school. One of the great mistakes here right now is a brand new jail that's been inexplicably sitting empty since it was built. Some dope suggested putting the evacuees in the new jail, ignoring the possible psychological ramifications of such a move. Well, Ol' Lars thought it was a swell idea because after all, "Who's to say what percentage of the evacuees might be criminals anyway?" Hey Lars, if that doesn't pan out, how about a nice INTERNMENT CAMP? Worked out real good for the Japanese! Or better yet, let's give some vacant spots over in Guantanamo Bay. I hear the food there is just delish.

The more I hear, the more I see, I really think we're headed for some kind of a civil war. United we stand, divided we fall...

If that happens, then the hurricanes have won.