Monday Morning Oscar Quaterback

Some thoughts from this year's Oscarcast:

*Neil Patrick Harris is the best host since Hugh Jackman. I ate every single word of what I wrote on my last blog.

*The show itself is always going to be a bloated, lumbering spectacle, but this time around, the formula worked more often than not. Some things could have been cut: Harris' "magic" trick, Jennifer Hudson's song-while beautifully performed-was meh.

*The "In Memoriam" segment-AKA The Death Parade-should have included Eddie Murphy's inability to make anyone laugh ever again.

*I love the fact that whatever political statements that were added to acceptance speeches is really frying the Up-Tighty Righties out there who were predisposed to hate the entire affair in the first place due to their hatred of the Hollywood crowd as a whole. And yet, they'll be watching it again next year.

*But hey, Hollyweirdos, you guys really are setting yourselves up to easy targets, ain't ya?

*During Patricia Arquette's call for equal pay, they immediately cut to Meryl Streep for validation. She didn't disappoint.

*Nothing would have been awesome if THE LEGO MOVIE won for Best Song

* Following John Legend and Common's performance of "Glory" from SELMA, bringing the audience to their feet with cheers and tears (White Liberal Guilt at its finest!) and their subsequent win, came the tribute of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, the WHITEST piece of entertainment in the whole wide world Good timing, people.

*However...Lady Gaga took another step closer to Heaven with her performance.

*Julie Andrews' entrance following Gaga even brought a tear to this SOUND OF MUSIC hater's eye.

*Oprah actually she believes she's the heir apparent to the late Maya Angelou. Who in Hollywood is going to tell her otherwise? Since I'm not there, I will. She ain't.

*No problem with any of the awards given this this year. My predictions meant absolutely zilch to me. (I went 3 for 7. Piss poor but who cares?) I'm as pleased as punch that my birthday movie from this year, BIRDMAN, picked up the grand prize. I wanted my man Keaton to pick up Best Actor, but the movie itself is his trophy. Besides, they decided to go the MY LEFT FOOT route with Eddie Redmayne. Julianne Moore, a favorite for Lead Actress since the day she was cast in in STILL ALICE, was the night's only legitimate lock. Why didn't the film itself get some kind of nod? Glad to see GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL and WHIPLASH get some love too.

*Sean Penn's quip about Alejandro Inarritu's green card was so inappropriate that I loved it.

*The ratings were down for this year, many blaming the grandstanding, but there were more obvious factors to consider. The Oscars, at the tale end of the season, have lost their lustre in recent years due to the glut of broadcast awards show (i,e. Golden Globers, SAG, People's Choice, Critic's Choice, Taster's Choice, etc.) The studios backload all their prestigious films to the end of the year in hopes of award glory, making an already cynical public suspicious of the process. It ball boils down to oversaturated fat and overkill. There's really only so much glad-handing the public can take.

*Most of the recipients honored their families in more ways than one. J.K. Simmons thanking his wife, above-average children and his parents prompted him to tell us to call our own folks. Others made a point of mentioning family members, alive and dead (as in the director of IDA's case). Amazing, with all this standing on the soap box known as the worldwide broadcast of the Academy Awards, these people have, what do Conservatives call it, FAMILY VALUES. 

Son of a gun.

Hooray for Hollywood for a change.

Blah...Blahh...Blog

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I haven't been keeping up with the news lately, too immersed in Olympic fever. Isn't everybody? Umm..hello?...Anybody out there?...Pinocchio? Inspiration hit me like a snowboarder's drug screen the other day. Wouldn't an uplifting story about the two man luge be a perfect follow-up to Brokeback Mountain? Okay fine

Since I've been out of the loop, apparently the Vice President shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Did I get that right? The White House does itself no favors at all when it withholds info from the media until it damn well feels like it, but let's face it. There ain't nothin' here. The poor old fart he pelted with birdshot isn't pressing any charges. Cheney's nuts have been roasted over the coals for this enough. If this is the only thing of substance anybody's got on this guy then fugeddaboudit. Surely there are worse crimes. How much do I NOT care about this? Let me count the ways. 1276. Let's all move on, dot org.

I also don't care that Cindy Sheehan got arrested at the State of the Union address for wearing a t-shirt with that day's total amount of dead soldiers in Iraq. Yes, I believe in her cause. No, she shouldn't have been arrested. But why was she even there...to support the Prez? No. She knew what she was getting into once she put on the shirt. She got the publicity she wanted. Don't cry "thought crime" to me, missy. I hate to be set up and have my emotions toyed with by any side.

Then there's Oprah's public reaming of James Frey. Would anyone be really surprised if, at the the end of the interview, she told to her audience of worshippers to kill him on the spot?

"Audience, tear him into a million little pieces NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'll have more to say about the Oscars soon, but I think there have been some glaring omissions. No Visual Effects nomination for Revenge of the Sith? Then there's the obligatory Judi Dench nod for what seemed to be a movie nobody had seen yet. Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger would have been a better choice. Kevin Costner was even decent in that film. Maybe he's finally coming out of his slump with some decent character roles in his later years, something Harrison Ford should look into. (By the by, does anybody really want to see Indiana Jones 4?)
The worst snub is the lack of recognition for one of the year's best performances, Mickey Rourke in Sin City. Believe me, I never thought I'd ever think such a think, but the proof is in the puddin' and I stand by it.

Toodles.

Katrina's a Nasty Bitch

Welcome to the Department of Redundancy as just one more blog about the country's worst disaster, the one, the only Mother of All Ball Busting Whores, Hurricane Katrina. What can be said that hasn't been said by better (and maybe worse)bloggers than myself? Probably not a helluva lot, though isn't it interesting that this occurred near the same time of the OTHER big story of the 21st Century, that being 9/11. Oh you remember 9/11, don't you? It was in all the papers. You recall that this country was sucker punched in the heart by a band of scum-sucking rat bastards and how, ever so briefly, time positively stopped and we all looked at each other in a brand new light. There was a unity that hadn't existed in my lifetime and for once, I was actually proud to be an American.

Of course, pride, being what it is, has a tendency to overrule other emotions and, more often than not, common sense. As time wore on, so did the swelling of the chest when the realization that not only were things back where they were, they were even worse. Comparisons between the two disasters are not so readily apparent. It lies in the difference between PRIDE and SHAME. I guess we can handle ourselves during UN-natural disasters. As far as something that happens naturally...like the freakish weather, well, it may depend on not only the color of your skin, but the amount in your wallet. Class warfare still exists as much today as racism.

Oh, but we can't play The Blame Game, can we? No siree. (Hey, wouldn't that be a great show on The Game Show Network? It's The Blame Game w/ Chuck Woolery! ) I don't care who blames who anymore. Just get the goddamn job done and help the South rise again. Come on, W. Them states that need the most help are RED, ain't they?

By the way, what the hell was he doing in the early stages anyway-listening to an audio book version of MY PET GOAT? He reminds me of a character from the very first Pee Wee Herman Show broadcast on HBO in the eighties. Pee Wee showed an old educational film about manners featuring a character named Mr. Bungle (in the manner of Highlights magazine's Goofus and Gallant) Mr. Bungle couldn't do anything right. . George W. Bungle. He can't do nothin' right! Well, he did manage to get himself re-elected.

Celebrities are out in force too, pitching where needed and not necessarily wanted by the Powers That Be, but some are really showing what they're made of. Oprah and her Army are there, but that's expected. As much as I rake her over the coals on a regular basis, there's no denying she has a huge heart and thankfully, deep pockets. Two weeks ago, I would slapped Sean Penn across the nutsack with a Cricket paddle for going to Iran for another left wing travelogue, but now I want to shake his hand for actually rescuing survivors. Was it just for publicity? Who knows? It still happened and people are still alive for his efforts. Then there's all the fund raising that I hope gets in to the right hands because as we all have learned, you trust the bureaucracies, can we? As for Kanye West's comments about Bush, who gives a shit? I think he scared poor Mike Myers who hasn't been seen since.

There's a turd with a microphone, an ultra conservative talk show host here in Portland named Lars Larson. Now I will him credit for his fund raising efforts with the Salvation Army last week, but to hear him speak, he may want to make sure this money goes to those survivors with a lighter skin tone. There was talk of bringing about 1000 survivors here in Oregon, putting them up in a deserted school. One of the great mistakes here right now is a brand new jail that's been inexplicably sitting empty since it was built. Some dope suggested putting the evacuees in the new jail, ignoring the possible psychological ramifications of such a move. Well, Ol' Lars thought it was a swell idea because after all, "Who's to say what percentage of the evacuees might be criminals anyway?" Hey Lars, if that doesn't pan out, how about a nice INTERNMENT CAMP? Worked out real good for the Japanese! Or better yet, let's give some vacant spots over in Guantanamo Bay. I hear the food there is just delish.

The more I hear, the more I see, I really think we're headed for some kind of a civil war. United we stand, divided we fall...

If that happens, then the hurricanes have won.

Mind Farts

I came up with this title, thinking I was being all witty and creative and absolutely original...until I realized that George Carlin has a book out called BRAIN DROPPINGS. Who cares? I am me and he is he and we are all together. Koo-koo-ka-choo. A Mind Fart is just wind passing through my head. It isn't exactly an entire thought. Basically it's just crap I think about on a daily basis and this is pretty much of a clearing house for my brain. A porcelain receptacle, as it were. No truer words have ever been spoken than... HERE GOES NOTHING!

What if...Oprah suddenly turned evil? Lately she's been so benevolent, giving away free cars and last week, a bunch o' junk to a group of teachers (though it should be noted, she didn't pay for any of them. They were DONATED for free advertising). Anyway, I've noticed that while she has been such a frigging saint in the past year, she's also becoming more and more of an uber-diva in the process. If suddenly Opie just turned to the Dark Side, how many of her minions would follow her into the the fiery pits of Hell? Would they actually KILL for Oprah? I believe those lemmings would do anything for her. Somehow I could see the Big O becoming the vengeful goddess Kali in the next year if she hasn't taken down a few notches. She needs another failure. How's about a sequel to BELOVED? As it is, she's about to spin out of control...like a balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade who just broken its tethers. "Look out...OPRAH'S LOOSE!"

Is Jude Law in every single movie this year or does it just seem that way? Who does he think he is...Ben Stiller? Look at the partial list: ALFIE, SKY CAPTAIN, CLOSER, I HEART HUCKABEES, LEMONY SNICKET. I think he plays some algae in the SPONGEBOB movie too. "What's it all about...Algae?"

In my last entry, I talked about who I would kick in the nuts or ass if I had the chance and I didn't mention the 2 Democratic losers. Losing was bad enough for these schmoes and I think I would give them until after the holidays to get over it. But when January 3 (a Monday) rolls around...look out. I'd want to show them a picture of our esteemed Prez and say, "Hey! Look what you lost to! You lost to a chimp! In fact, you got a chimp RE-ELECTED!" Then I'd turn around and boot John Edwards' bad boys into the uprights. It's really too bad. I didn't really dislike him. At first I though he was an okay candidate but it soon became apparent that he was really just a better looking Barney Fife. When he became what he considered "forceful", I was expecting him to pull his bullet out of his shirt pocket. But he was too complacent. As for John-boy...Senator Kerry...KA-CHOW! Into the uprights! You mealy-mouthed son of a bitch! Why did you wait for the last second to get tough? The problem started the moment you got nominated. Are you such a political gadfly that you thought that putting your Vietnam service in the forefront would not be attacked? You might as well have stripped naked, smeared yourself with Alpo and visited a pitbull puppy farm, then wonder why you were bit. As for Mrs. Kerry, she became a liability the moment she stepped up to a microphone. She needed to be muzzled and no one had the guts to do the job. You guys once again underestimated the Chimp Boy. It turned out that the fabled "Undecided" were going to vote for Bush all along, but didn't want to admit it in public. Everyone else was making too much fun of him to realize that it just made him more entertaining. Obviously, the general public enjoyed the antics of President Chimpy. Also, did no one get a clue from the huge success of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST where a lot of this country stands? Ignorance is no longer bliss, people. It's a goddamn shame.

In other news...just when I'm wondering what could be done about the monster known as Paris Hilton, the SOUTH PARK boys took care of her for all of us. Try to catch a rerun of this episode when Paris opens up a "Stupid Spoiled Whore Boutique" in South Park selling items like her personal cologne Skanque. What happens to her at the episode's end is more than just the grossest, funniest thing I've seen all year...it's sweet justice.

And finally...
Band names I find funny:
Bowling for Soup
The TunaHelpers
I Can Lick Any Son of a Bitch in the House
Lesbians on Ecstasy

I Get a Kick Out of You

As I sit perched on the edge of yet another age demographic, I think I finally decided what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be a serial kicker. There are people in this world who for one reason or another just absolutely infuriate me in no uncertain terms. I'm not talking about the scum of the earth like terrorists, pedophiles or car salesmen or anyone else who deserves the death penalty. Some violators (as I call them because, yeah, I'm judgmental) have to be dealt not with a final solution but no less of a decisive manner. In other words, I want to kick them in the nuts...HARD. And, it has to be broadcast live on television for all of the world to see. If we can't have televised executions, this is the next best thing believe you me.

There are literally thousands I deem worthy of my boot. My foot would have been in a cast right now recuperating from this year's election alone. Between the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth the entire Air America line-up, Fox News and Dan Rather, I'd have been a busy boy.

By the way, my foot , since it is an extension of me, knows no party affiliation. It too is a registered Independent, if you really feeling the need to label and categorize. So let's just march right into the current administration. Mr. President? How do you do? Let me introduce you to...my shoe! Gooomph!

"Ow! You've impugned my testicles! What was that for?"

THAT was the past four years. And this...POW!...is for the next four.

While I'm here, I might as well visit Mr. Ashcroft. Oh, you're leaving? Here...Hee-yah!...Take that with you.
Colin Powell's leaving too. Here's a parting gift for you, sir...Bam! Stop off at the FCC and give this your son...Bam! Donald Rumsfeld, I presume? You look like someone kicked you in the balls already. Then this will hardly show. Boom!

Dick Cheney...I don't think so. I believe that it would just make him mad. He'd laugh, then tear me limb from limb. You see, I don't buy that he has heart problems. My theory is that they're giving him bionic parts, a little at a time, making him stronger, faster...meaner! When John Edwards brought up his lesbian daughter at the VP debate, I thought for sure Cheney would snap and backhand Edwards from across the table.

"You little punk!"

Then he'd whip off his coat, revealing his new robotic physique and slap Johnny boy around the room, causing Edwards to cry like a little girl. So I'd have to call in the big guns for Cheney cuz that sucker scares me. Perhaps a bear trap...  

Condoleeza Rice on the other hand... What should I do with the Catwoman? I can't kick her in the nuts because, as far as I know, she doesn't have any. What to do with women in general? I have no gender bias. I couldn't kick 'em in the crotch. That wouldn't be right. I thought of a head butt, but, nahhh. I could miss and hurt myself.

My favorite wrestler of all time, Stone Cold Steve Austin, had a finishing move where he kicks an opponent in the stomach, turns around grabs them by the back of the neck resting their chin on his shoulder. He then drops to the ground, causing his opponent to snap backwards to the ground. It's called the Stone Cold Stunner and would work perfectly. But it might be trademarked. I wouldn't want to suffer the consequence without permission.

I also considered the face shove, first popularized by Charlie Chaplin. He'd just take someone's face in his hands and give a good shove. See also THE PHILADELPHIA STORY. At the beginning of the movie, Katherine Hepburn tosses Cary Grant's things out of their house and, as a final insult, breaks one of his golf clubs over her knee. He retaliates by making a gesture to slug her, but instead pushes her down to the ground by her face.

But, I guess I'll just have to kick 'em in the ass, to keep my foot happy. Connie Rice? Get your bony butt up here and take one for the team.

Hey Madonna! Here's one for you too! Oprah...well, I guess I could, but there's always the danger of losing a shoe...Let's kick a few more celebs, shall we? Sean Penn, how are ya? I loved you in MYSTIC RIVER. Oof! Put that next to your Oscar. Hi, Britney! Congratulations! No, not on your marriage. This is for tossing your career into the trailer park septic tank, ya dumb little white trash skank! Ka-pow! Michael Moore, this for...oh, fuck it, you already know...UMPH!

Ah, yes, it is so gratifying to finally discover a true calling in life. These boots were made for kicking...and that's just what they'll do...One of these days these boots...are gonna severely kick you...
Okay, so I may not be a lyricist.

However I am a vigilante...and I'm just in it for the kicks.