Sky Captain and the Blown Opportunity

Robert Rodriguez got it right.
His adaptation of Frank Miller's Sin City, still the best film this year and one that I am actually glad that a sequel is in the works, seamlessly incorporated CGI imagery with live-action to create a whole new world of cinema.
Last year's Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow failed miserably. Here's a piece I wrote for FilmFever.org, a site that unfortunately seems to be defunct.
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Now that the dust has settled, it's clear that Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow has not taken the world by storm. In fact, it can be looked upon as not just a disappointment but a box office failure. The critics didn't go as gaa-gaa over it either. I had to wonder why. It sure seemed like it would hit it out of the park but after finally seeing on Sunday, I've got some idea what happened.
1. The script. Yeah, 'fraid so. Writer/director Kerry Conran may be a visionary, but a wordsmith, he ain't. (Sound familiar, Mr. Lucas?) The characters were mostly flat, the dialogue didn't crackle (this is not a quotable movie) and the jokes fell flat, the worst of which being the stupid and inappropriate line "Cold air makes nipples hard." Yuck. Sure there were lots of ideas bandied about in the story but there was no real focus . It doesn't build. It just kind of...happens.
2. Film references. Sure they're fun when they are few and far between, but it seemed like almost every scene needed an asterisk for the footnote below. Tarantino almost sabotaged Kill Bill in much the same way. Maybe it's my problem. I get all of the references and I find it distracting. It's really time to give The Wizard of Oz a rest.
3. The lack of a decent villain. The Olivier stuff was so underdone, it comes off as just a conceit, like Fred Astaire dancing with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Jude Law. He looks great, just like the movie itself, but he's too soft-spoken and, as a result, doesn't come off very heroic to me. He's a poser.And I may be killed for saying this (oh, what's one more thing...) but why was Sky Captain a Brit? I really think this character should have been an All American guy, unless it all took place in England or London instead of New York. And what is it with this guy anyway? Chris Rock was right on the money. For awhile, he was in a movie a week. Sky Captain, I Heart Huckabees, Alfie, Closer...I hear he's a porter on The Polar Express too. Who does he think he is... Ben Stiller? Don't get me wrong. I like Jude Law, certainly a lot better than I do Colin Farrell, but he didn't pull this character off for me. He seemed more like Leslie Howard. I didn't want Ashley Wilkes saving the world. I wanted Rhett Butler in a pilot's uniform. And while we're at it, less Gwyneth Paltrow and more Angelina Jolie. Who says an uber-hot one-eyed Valkyrie can't be a heroine?
5. The CGI. Whatever works in this film is due to the brilliance of the effects. However...(okay don't spit on your screens)...it's overkill. Too much, too soon in the early stages left me almost yawning by the end. It seemed to be less of a movie and more of a demo reel. In fact, I think it would have made a great short subject. Stretched out to a full-length feature, the seams started to show. Okay, I've dumped all over this movie and I feel rotten about it. I really do. There's nothing I would have liked better than to have embraced it and championed its cause, to chide those who make cah-rap like National Treasure popular, but ignore the fine work of an emerging new talent. But I can't. Chalk this up as a noble failure. Not wholly awful, but certainly not great either. It falls into that middle ground somewhere and that's kind of like Purgatory. I do think Kerry Conran should be given another shot to strut his stuff, but for God's sakes...give him a collaborator next time. He needs guidance. Otherwise, he'll end up in the Where Are They Now? column next to the director of Tron.
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That director's name, by the way, is Steve Lisberger. I think he's flipping burgers at the In n Out Burger on La Brea.

Mind Farts

I came up with this title, thinking I was being all witty and creative and absolutely original...until I realized that George Carlin has a book out called BRAIN DROPPINGS. Who cares? I am me and he is he and we are all together. Koo-koo-ka-choo. A Mind Fart is just wind passing through my head. It isn't exactly an entire thought. Basically it's just crap I think about on a daily basis and this is pretty much of a clearing house for my brain. A porcelain receptacle, as it were. No truer words have ever been spoken than... HERE GOES NOTHING!

What if...Oprah suddenly turned evil? Lately she's been so benevolent, giving away free cars and last week, a bunch o' junk to a group of teachers (though it should be noted, she didn't pay for any of them. They were DONATED for free advertising). Anyway, I've noticed that while she has been such a frigging saint in the past year, she's also becoming more and more of an uber-diva in the process. If suddenly Opie just turned to the Dark Side, how many of her minions would follow her into the the fiery pits of Hell? Would they actually KILL for Oprah? I believe those lemmings would do anything for her. Somehow I could see the Big O becoming the vengeful goddess Kali in the next year if she hasn't taken down a few notches. She needs another failure. How's about a sequel to BELOVED? As it is, she's about to spin out of control...like a balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade who just broken its tethers. "Look out...OPRAH'S LOOSE!"

Is Jude Law in every single movie this year or does it just seem that way? Who does he think he is...Ben Stiller? Look at the partial list: ALFIE, SKY CAPTAIN, CLOSER, I HEART HUCKABEES, LEMONY SNICKET. I think he plays some algae in the SPONGEBOB movie too. "What's it all about...Algae?"

In my last entry, I talked about who I would kick in the nuts or ass if I had the chance and I didn't mention the 2 Democratic losers. Losing was bad enough for these schmoes and I think I would give them until after the holidays to get over it. But when January 3 (a Monday) rolls around...look out. I'd want to show them a picture of our esteemed Prez and say, "Hey! Look what you lost to! You lost to a chimp! In fact, you got a chimp RE-ELECTED!" Then I'd turn around and boot John Edwards' bad boys into the uprights. It's really too bad. I didn't really dislike him. At first I though he was an okay candidate but it soon became apparent that he was really just a better looking Barney Fife. When he became what he considered "forceful", I was expecting him to pull his bullet out of his shirt pocket. But he was too complacent. As for John-boy...Senator Kerry...KA-CHOW! Into the uprights! You mealy-mouthed son of a bitch! Why did you wait for the last second to get tough? The problem started the moment you got nominated. Are you such a political gadfly that you thought that putting your Vietnam service in the forefront would not be attacked? You might as well have stripped naked, smeared yourself with Alpo and visited a pitbull puppy farm, then wonder why you were bit. As for Mrs. Kerry, she became a liability the moment she stepped up to a microphone. She needed to be muzzled and no one had the guts to do the job. You guys once again underestimated the Chimp Boy. It turned out that the fabled "Undecided" were going to vote for Bush all along, but didn't want to admit it in public. Everyone else was making too much fun of him to realize that it just made him more entertaining. Obviously, the general public enjoyed the antics of President Chimpy. Also, did no one get a clue from the huge success of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST where a lot of this country stands? Ignorance is no longer bliss, people. It's a goddamn shame.

In other news...just when I'm wondering what could be done about the monster known as Paris Hilton, the SOUTH PARK boys took care of her for all of us. Try to catch a rerun of this episode when Paris opens up a "Stupid Spoiled Whore Boutique" in South Park selling items like her personal cologne Skanque. What happens to her at the episode's end is more than just the grossest, funniest thing I've seen all year...it's sweet justice.

And finally...
Band names I find funny:
Bowling for Soup
The TunaHelpers
I Can Lick Any Son of a Bitch in the House
Lesbians on Ecstasy