Red Asphalt Blues

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is RED ASPHALT is going to be a major motion picture.

The bad news is that it will NOT be based on my book of the same name.

Nerts.

Timur Bekmambetov, director of the crazy ass (and highly recommended by me) Russian vampire films NIGHT WATCH and DAY WATCH, as well as the 2008 Angelina Jolie starrer WANTED and the upcoming ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER, told Empire magazine that he's turning the old driver's education film documentary RED ASPHALT into a 3D feature film. "I am working on that with Lionsgate," he explained. "It's a movie about drunk driving... in 3D! 3D is the only way to recreate what you feel when you drink and drive. It's my original idea – I wrote the treatment. Everyone drinks and drives once, and I want to make a horror movie about it. It's one big car chase. People will feel what it's like when you're drunk and driving, and it's really scary. The world is not exactly the same."

Wanna bet?

In my world, whatever goes around, comes around...and around...and around...

I took the title of my RED ASPHALT from the same old film as both an homage and an allusion to the former occupation of Calvin Wheeler, my main character, as a traffic school instructor, a not-so-subtle touch of irony since he suffers from road rage.

RED ASPHALT also started out to be a screenplay, albeit an unfinished one. Therefore, the book is technically a novelization.

In RED ASPHALT, Calvin is also writing his sci-fi/fantasy magnum opus called ABRACADABRA, a project he is convinced will deliver him from his hum-drum existence straight into instant George Lucas status. Watching TV one evening, he sees a grade Z cheesefest of a film with the same plot as his book and his dreams came crashing down around him.

Coincidence or precognition?

So what's the thrust of all this, you might ask, if you ever used the word thrust in this context? In udder words, what's it all about, Alfie? Where does this leave my RED ASPHALT? I wouldn't say dead in the water. Oh, the title is perhaps a goner, if the 3D drunk driving extravaganza is ever made at all. Could be ol' Timur won't even get around to making his epic remake. Damn Russkies. Still can't trust 'em.I could always adapt RA into a porno and change the title to say, RED ASS-FAULT. Or maybe change the main character's back story and give him a road raging driver with a severe learning disability, calling it READ ASPHALT. Or I could just change the title altogether and keep true to my vision, which seems a little more likely. (How does HIGHWAY TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET sound? Yes, you're right. Like ass. Well, there's always BLOOD ON THE HIGHWAY. That would make it double jeopardy.) In all sincerity however, I think my version of RED ASPHALT is viable and potentially powerful movie material. And no way, Jose, will it be in 3-D, if I have anything to say about it. Of course, I won't have anything to say about my screenplay at all, no matter what it's called at unless I get off my dead ass and finish it. Aye, there's the rub. Kind of like an Indian burn on the ol' psyche.

Then what's with all this pissing and moaning? Isn't it enough that I already fulfilled one dream by writing and publishing my own novel, one that has not only gotten some decent feedback but also sits on the shelves of more than just one public library? Apparently not. I want more. That's why I keep the dream alive and don't let news like this set me back anymore. Maybe I'm finally learning. More likely, I'm getting older, but not necessarily wiser. The most I can do is therapeutically kvetch about it here and move on. It's how I roll...I guess. I've not tracked the progression of my roll before.

I guess the thrust, the point, the what-the-fuck of the whole thing is this Möbius strip we call LIFE. And once again, here for all the world to see is a clear description of life imitating art. When it concerns my life, it's drawn by M.C. Escher.

At least it's not a black velvet painting...or is it?

2006-The Year in Pix

2006-The Year in Pix

I am not a film critic nor do I play one on TV. This is my outlet (and this is my gun), therefore the rules of engagement do not apply to me, meaning I don’t have to adhere to any timeline. That said, here is my list of favorite films that I saw in 2006. Whether they were released this year or not means nothing to me. It’s like the adage about an old joke. If you’ve never heard it before, it’s new to you.

The year 2006 was pretty much of a wash for me personally, but movie-wise, I basked in the glow of the Great God Cinema. The total of films came to 118. That’s basically a movie every three days, not counting those that I had seen again. Since I had made a conscientious effort not to watch as much crap as I had in years past, my film diet consisted of a lot more protein and less trans fat, so the percentage of good product versus bad weighed heavily in my favor.

Certainly there were disappointments, no more so than in two supposedly blockbusters that landed like a pair of bombastic farts at a funeral. Peter Jackson’s King Kong seemed so calculated to be a companion piece to a video game that it became difficult to tell the two apart, a botch job unworthy of the Lord of the Rings master. But nothing really stunk up the joint more than Bryan Singer’s lame-ass Superman Returns, a turd barely better than Superman III or IV, only by the nature of its budget.

On the other hand, the reboot of the Bond series with Casino Royale was a welcome breath of fresh air, thanks to both director Martin Campbell and star Daniel Craig. Seeing Craig swagger about like a royal prick seemed rather off-putting at first until it came clear that he could back it all up in spades, He reminded me of the young Errol Flynn’s first appearance in  The Adventures of Robin Hood, entering a castle with a dead buck around his neck and acting like he owned the place (which of course, he did). Anyway, a worthy new beginning for Bond, James Bond. By the way, when was the last time you ever saw a Bond movie appear on a Ten Best list? Check it out. Royale appeared on many, including Owen Gleiberman’s film of the year in Entertainment Weekly.

One particularly putrid piece of work was Maniac, quite possibly the worst film ever made. Directed by Dwain Esper, the only guy who could make Ed Wood look like Antonioni, this 1930s exploitationer about untreated mental illness combined a couple of Poe stories with some gratuitous nudity and violence, including a duel with hypodermic needles. The cast is so supremely wretched that they seem to have not only never seen a movie before, but also have never seen anyone act either. It was like watching a dog try to ride a bicycle. Oh, by the way, I recommend this to anyone interested in really shitty cinema.

A few notable moments from this year’s crop:
The My Forgotten Man number from The Golddiggers of 1933-An ode to the homeless in the Great Depression that holds up even today. Not much has changed since then.

Hammy the Squirrel’s caffeine induced slow motion sojourn in Over the Hedge, the funniest sequence of the year.

Wildest Ride of the Year: Night Watch, the wild and crazy Russian vampire romp

Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, a film I had been trying to catch up with for years now. Truth to be told, I consider Blanche DuBois to be one of the most irritating characters in modern literature, as well as with Vivien Leigh’s performance and felt uncomfortable most of the time Brando was not on screen. But once he was, I was hooked. Talk about living up to one’s reputation. I was also taken by Kim Hunter as “STELLA!!!!!!!!!!!”

Some movies that exceeded expectations:
Walk the Line (particularly Joaquin Phoenix), Tokyo Godfathers,The Bourne Supremacy, The Alamo(2004), Cars, George Romero’s Land of the Dead, Millions

Some great revisits:
Car Wash, Which Way is Up? (Richard Pryor’s funniest), Topaz (underrated Hitchcock), Brewster McCloud (overlooked Altman), The Hill (one of Sean Connery’s best), Lantana (one of the best films of last ten years), The Paper Chase, Casino Royale (1967) -a guilty pleasure to the Nth degree

Now the bestests:

Best Oldies:
Yojimbo,
Captain Blood,
Diabolique,
Pather Panchali,
Hitchcock double bill of Notorious and Shadow of a Doubt
Fellinii’s 8 ½
Melville’s Army of Shadows and Le Cercle Rouge
Lola Montes
 All Quiet on the Western Front –Again, a timeless message that still resonates.

The Ten Best (in no order except #1)

Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion-a fitting swan song to a class act
Brewer's Hustle and Flow- Terrence Howard elevates himself to the rank of one this country’s finest and, though damn near done in right at the very end, this film is hard to beat.
Miyazaki’s Howl’s Moving Castle-The animation genius of the modern age
Ki-Duk Kim's 3-Iron-Best love story of the year
Carol Reed and Graham Green’s The Fallen Idol –Uncovered jewel and finest classic of the year, so perfect to view it on the big screen
James Marsh’s extraordinary Wisconsin Death Trip-Best documentary of the year and possibly of all time
Chan-Wook’s Old Boy-the incredible brutal roller coaster experience
Scorsese’s The Departed-Marty, this is your year. Revel in it.

and the Best Picture of 2006

Paul Greengrass’ United 93
Not to get all PC about it, but there is no way I could ignore the impact of this incredible piece of filmmaking. I resisted this for the longest time, being one of those who believed 9/11 was too close, too open of a sore, too painful to relive, especially since the word on the street was how realistic the film is. After much hesitation, I watched it at home, wanting privacy and not a shared emotional experience as I would in the theater. Well, let’s just say, I was a wreck by the end credits. But it had been totally cathartic and extremely therapeutic. Many suppressed and dormant feelings have resurfaced since that viewing and while that’s a helluva thing to lay on just a damn movie, this what I’ve taken away from it. I really don’t want to be known as one of those idiots who uses that day as a metaphor for everything that occurs, especially since it has become both a cliché and an excuse for more self-indulgent pinheads than I can fathom. Perhaps if I didn’t have all this bottled inside me, I wouldn’t so introspective about the film. However, I will say unequivocally that Paul Greengrass is a remarkable filmmaker. There's an honesty that he brings to United 93 that makes this story compeling from first frame to last. His documentary approach to this and The Bourne Supremacy has energized recent cinema and I certainly look forward to any work by this director.

So there you have it. Stay tuned for 2007…

FILMAPALOOZA!

Have a nice life.