Turkey Stuff 'n Nonsense

The Neverending Story also known as Election '08 finally came to a satisfying end. At least I feel like we
have a chance, whether it be slim or fat but at least it's better than no chance at all. (I love to quote myself)

Congratulations to Barack Obama, the new President of the United States. It's so refreshing that in this stressful time that grows worse every day, I can honestly say that I feel a glimmer of pride again. I hope it lasts.

What did we learn about this election?

Well, it's bad to be racist...which it is.

It's bad to be sexist....which it is.

But it's okay to be ageist...which, apparently, it is

Yup. It sure was funny to make fun of Ol' Man McCain, wasn't it? We all laughed. Hey, I'm guilty of it too, at least when it was funny like Chris Rock saying that if John McCain died of natural causes, it's all natural causes.

"If John McCain gets hit by a car, it's natural causes. If he was younger, he'd get out of the damn way."

But the rest of you...honestly, folks...were Depends jokes all you had?

Regarding Sarah Palin....if you don't start ignoring her, she won't go away. Period.

The economy's in the dumper and I have no sage words of advice for anyone. I'm not only in shit creek myself, I'm not even in the boat. I'm just hanging on to the side and praying we don't hit any rapids.

I do have a possible solution for the Big Three automakers (something besides go fuck themselves...or each other for that matter) How about if General Motors, Chrysler and Ford all merge? They can be known as General Chryslord (take that, George Lucas! "General Chryslord, destroy the planet Endor!") Then they can just refer to themselves as The Big One. If they fail, well, they can bite it, can't they?

Let's get on to something I do know about... movies.

Soon, we be inundated with more vampires than you can shake a stick at when the teenage Gothic romance TWILIGHT opens. Already, HBO's fair to middling TRUE BLOOD has been taken a collective bite out of the audience. Now Stephanie Meyer's creation is set to set a soccer mom movie attendance record, probably more than SEX AND THE CITY. Don't forget the little teeny-boppers and tweeners that drooled over the poster when they attended HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3. I hope it does well, at least for the sake of the Oregon Film Bureau since it was primarily filmed here and in Washington. It still doesn't make me want to see it. as far as I'm concerned, TWILIGHT looks like like every other TV show on The CW.

Want something in another class altogether? LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, the first Swedish vampire film I've not only ever but also the first I've ever heard of, is a wonderful take on the genre, much as Katheryn Bigelow's NEAR DARK had been in the eighties. Wonderfully moody directed by Tomas Alfredson, Let the right one in tells the tale of 12 year old (in appearance) vampire's budding romance with a troubled, bullied youth. Best of all is the incredible performance of Lina Leandersson as Eli, the littlest bloodsucker. She is absolutely hauntingly brilliant.

This film is well worth seeking out. Let TWILIGHT take care of itself. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is special.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Juno, Alaska

"Sarah, Sarah, storms are brewin' in your eyes
Sarah, Sarah, no time is a good time for goodbyes"
\Yeah, I know the old Starship song is SARA, not SARAH, but come on, the picture on the left is definitely the apple of Mickey Thomas' eye. And the one on the right? The twinkle in every good Republican's. Oh, that Johnny McCain! He sure picked a peach, didn't he? Everyone is saying how she resembles Tina Fey. Not me. I see a little Julia Louis-Dreyfuss...or a younger, hotter Sharon Osbourne.

In the words of the late great Jerry Reed:
"When you're hot, you're hot!
When you're not, you're not!"

And as for her knocked-up unwed underage daughter? Well, let's put it this way, shall we? Her baby's daddy is named Levi. (Who'd you expect...Michael Cera?)

WELCOME TO POLITICS IN THE 21ST CENTURY!

Who cares about the issues? Let's just cut to the chase...who would you like to have a beer with? Who's purtier? What are they wearin'...boxers or briefs...or, best of all, which candidate is all thonged up? Yee-ha! It's all a distraction. Look over here! It's a shiny object! No, it's Sarah Palin!

"On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate John McCain's running mate?"

Hyuk! Hyuk! We're living in a world of mooks.

In this day and age, there's no time for substance. We have no patience for it. Let's just make a snap judgement so we can go back to texting our friends and geeking about the new 90210 or THE DARK KNIGHT. We have the attention spans of gnats.

Mark my words, we're going to see a continuation of the Hillary/Obama feud with Palin. Sexism vs racism. Don't say anything bad about either one of them for fear being called out for your embedded prejudices. Don't say McCain's too old or you'll be branded an ageist? As for Biden, you'll dragged through the mud by the folliclely challenged. (Donald Trump laughs at Joe's hair)

I guess the other thing that fries my chimichanga is that all this is further legitimizing the National Enquirer and TMZ. These people are not journalists. They are proctologists. Those that believe otherwise, well, you're assholes.

All I want to know is..

WHEN IS THIS FUCKING THING GOING TO BE OVER?

Dog Days (and Nights)

Sliding into home base of Summer 2008. So little to say. So much time to blog it all down.

(Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.)

First off, a hail and farewell to two more greats that we lost this year, Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes. We're worse off without you, but better off to have known you at all. You made the world a better place.

History has been made with Barack Obama's nomination as the Democratic candidate for President of the United States. If the the Demos fuck this one up, they should be disbanded.

Anything's possible. After all, GW was not only elected (thank you, Mr. Gore) but RE-elected
(thank you, Mr. Kerry). Still, other than his choice for VP (Joe Biden? Really?) We should be getting used to saying President Obama real soon.

At the beginning of the summer, did anyone other than me think that Obama was going to pick John Edwards to fill out the other side of this ticket? The Wacko Conspiracy Theorist in me has a feeling that was the case until the DNC found out about Edwards' little bastard bundle o' joy and they were the ones who tipped off the National Enquirer. Even if it's not true, not a bad little story, huh?

As for John McCain, he picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. (Who?) If she's not related to Michael, then I've never heard of her. Still, you gotta hand it to him for going after the Hillary vote. (By the way, don't the Hillary supporters remind you of the Ellen Jamesians from John Irving's THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP?) Another way McCain can pick up support at the Republican convention is to appear onstage with GW, raise the President's arm in the air with his left and then clothesline him across the throat with his right, WWE style. When he tries to get up to his feet, a DDT, slamming his head straight to the stage. I still wouldn't vote for him, but I would shake the man's hand after that.

Next order of business:

RED ASPHALT is now available for download on the one and only Amazon Kindle.

What's a Kindle? I'm glad you asked. The Kindle is the wireless reading device sold exclusively by Amazon. You can download books, newspapers and magazines at a fraction of their newstand or bookstore price. In fact, RED ASPHALT, normally $17.50 in paperback, carries a Kindle price of just FIVE BUCKS. But, if you act now, Amazon will take 20% off which means you can read RED ASPHALT right this minute for just $4.oo. Holy smokes! In the immortal words of Crazy Eddie, "Their prices are...

IIIIIIINNNNNSSSSSAAAANNNNNEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It always warms my heart when another of my Pollardville bretheren surface and make this nimrod proud. I couldn't have been more pleased than see an article about my old friend, Artis "A.J." Joyce in last week's Stockton Record.

There is to your left, the master of the bass guitar and one of the sweetest souls who ever walked the planet, looking a little grayer, a little wiser and a little like he's about to tear it up on that bass he's peeking behind. A.J. taught me the significance of the bassline in music and how to listen for it. He made me appreciate how the pieces are fit together and putting it all in perspective. What A.J. teaches me now is that he, like

so many of my friends, make me proud because there's still out there getting it done, fighting the good fight and making the world a better place. Yep. He's the Man.

Check out this article about A.J. on Recordnet.com

http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080821/A_ENTERTAIN/808210318/0/A_ENTERTAIN03

I highly recommend the French thriller TELL NO ONE, written and directed by Guillaume Canet from the Harlan Coben novel. As densely complex as any mystery I've ever seen, TELL NO ONE tells the tale of a doctor who is falsely accused of his wife's murder eight years after the fact when new evidence surfaces. A classic Hitchcock-like scenario, this has something the Master often lacked and that was a deep emotional involvement, thanks mostly to the extraordinary performance of Francois Cluzet as the doctor. While TELL NO ONE has a few too many red herrings, it pays off like no other film so far this year.

One of my favorite moments of this summer was after the screening (which I took in after my MILES AROUND interview-that's me all over). I was walking to my car, following a married couple as the husband tried to explain every little twist and turn of the movie to his wife, a difficult feat indeed since the story requires a lot from its audience. DAMN good film.

And finally, if you've already read RED ASPHALT (which I know is a lie since I've checked the sales figures) and you need something to feast your eyes upon, please check out the website of a better writer than me, Chris Kuhn. Okay, I'm partial because he is my son-in-law, but the fact of the matter is the boy is talented. Do me a favor and visit his site at:

http://www.chriskuhn.net/

He's posted some of his work there, including the sensational stories IMPALA and CROCODILE TEARS. After you read his stuff, I'm sure you'll agree with me. In fact, what would you want to return here to read this drivel?

WHAT AM I SAYING?

ABANDON SHIP!

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

EJECT!