Feliz Año Nuevo

Another year down. It's about time.

There's really no reason to recall the events of the past 12 months because, honestly, who the hell wants to go through THAT again? Since we continue to categorize and rate our lives in blocks of time (for what-convenience sake?), we can all pretty much agree on one basic fact while disagreeing on everything thing else in the known and unknown universe:

2016 sucked ass.

We lost a lot last year, not just people, celebrities, notable or otherwise, but parts of ourselves as well. When the MAIN EVENT of November, that shit show known as the Presidential election finally came to pass, the end result was despair for the defeated and barely a hoo-ray for the victors. It was a bloody, brutal battle that summed up the entire year in a microcosm and left us everyone, involved or not, more shell-shocked that we'll ever be able to admit. But there won't be any chance to heal because time marches on, and that, my friends, is the natural fact.

It wasn't all mud-slinging and brickbats. Unfortunately, the bad outweighed the good in 2016 cuz what bleeds, leads and it so much easier to dwell on the worst of humanity, to revel in the pain because maybe, just maybe when we are exposed to an endless barrage of it, we'll be tough enough so that it won't bother us any longer. We won't be able to feel a thing. Remembering the good things of  your life and the world around us might actually be your Achilles heel.

That may be the stupidest bullshit you read this year, but I doubt it. Hey, I just saw this "breaking news headline":

Need I add that this is a perfect example of fake news? I do? O Madre de Mios. Ignorance begets even more ignorance as Mike Judge's film IDIOCRACY looks more and more like a documentary. Maybe a few guillotines aren't such a bad idea. Many of you aren't using your heads anyway.

If nothing else, this 12 month pummeling should serve as a wake-up call to everybody everywhere. Pay attention, people. Those of you who lost your shit over the election results were probably half-asleep to begin with and are too goddamn cranky when you open your eyes for the first time. What did you think was going to happen? You have to be the dumbest ass in the entire free world if you thought-or still fucking believe-that the popular vote means anything. It doesn't. You losers underestimated the winner of everything since he begin his goose-step to the White House.

And as for the other side, to the victors go the spoils. You should know it since you spoiled it. For Christmas, I ordered the Basket of Deplorables from Harry and David-some rotten apples and a bunch of nuts. (Second time I used this joke. Gonna do it til I get it right.)  I was worried about what you yahoos might do if Trump lost, what retaliation might occur. I should have been more concerned about what you Insane Clown Posses would do when he he won. Don't think you're going to get away with what you think you might do going forward. This is where the battle lines will be drawn. Civil War II, anybody?

For those who are not part of this angry mob, I hope for all our sake you made the right decision because it is one we will have to live with for the next four years. (Donaldo's not going to be a two-termer. He will get bored. You'll see.) Congratulations on your victory  If you ever get over your hatred of Obama, Hillary and the rest of the opposing side, I hope you'll keep a close eye on your POTUS. Try to recall the doubts you had going into this. You need to wake the fuck up too. To get along, what say we keep an eye on extremists on all fronts. You keep your wackos in check, we'll keep our nut jobs in line as well. Couldn't hurt, which is probably the most positive suggestion of the day.

Now it's 2017. Feel any different? I didn't think so. Time is relative. In this case, it's that creepy drunken uncle who's all pervy hands when it's time to go to bed.

Pleasant dreams, America.

Happy New Year.

Year of the Sap

The first epic blockbuster of the cinema....
THE BIRTH OF A NATION, D.W. GRIFFITH'S's 1915 saga of 19th century America during the Civil War and the Reconstruction. with historical events such as the assassination of President Lincoln and the birth of the Ku Klux Klan.
Starring
Lillian Gish...
Mae Marsh
Wallace Reid
Donald Crisp
and
Raoul Walsh
as John Wilkes Booth.
An amazing film...
with an amazing cast!
BUT...

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE TODAY!

The racist fucks.

And this film is 100 years old. It wasn't nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars either. So take that, SELMA. There weren't any Academy Awards back then, but that's beside the point. Or is it?

Speaking of which, here are my obligatory Oscar predictions for this year: BOYHOOD, Michael Keaton, Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons, Patricia Arquette and Richard Linklater. And we'll all be officially sick of Neil Patrick Harris by the end of the show.
                                               
                                                        BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

Three things I don't want to see in 2015:
1. Vomiting on camera in a film or TV show.
2. LEGOs
3. Anything about the bass
                                                              THAT'S NOT ALL!

Why is that whoever is proclaimed "the worst President ever" is always re-elected? This may have always been the case, but in recent memory, this label has been given to the last three men that held the title of POTUS: Bubba, GW and Bam. All three received two terms. Curious, isn't it? Or...is it?

                                                        AND IF YOU CALL NOW...

It's the Chinese New Year and apparently this is the Year of the Sheep. Unfortunately in America,  it's the Year of the Sap. So far we've had the slapstick antics of side show attraction Bruce Jenner, Brian Williams getting caught tellin' tall tales out of school and Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber taking the fall for his dame blaming the media on his way out the door.. Oh, what will the Spring bring?

UPDATE:
Well, my Oscar picks were punk-ass, as the kids say. (What kids? I dunno...) But there are more saps to add to this growing list, namely Bill "Who put the 'ludes in my Jello?" Cosby and Donald "The Apprentice Republican" Trump. But at least the Confederate flag is toast in South Carolina, causing the corpse of DW Griffith to spin in his grave, Oregon got a new governor in Kate Brown who just might be the ticket, Gay marriage is the law of the land and the USA Women's Soccer Team brought home the World Cup.
The sap numbers keep increasing, but at least now there is a little balance.
Thank you, Universe. We may survive after all.
                                         

Let Them Eat Cheese

I know it’s five months early, but let’s just cut to the chase:

Obama wins re-election.

Can all just move along please? We can save ourselves a lot of misery if we just accept this right here and now instead of prolonging the inevitable until November. Come on. It’s just going to ruin our summer if we keep living in denial or even Detroit for that matter. Facts is facts, folks and if Mitt just bails right now, he can save himself, his party and the rest of the country a whole lotta embarrassment, pain and even money. I’m telling right here and now that Barack Obama gets a second term. Period. It’s as clear as crystal meth to me.

Mitt just can’t cut it, whether it be the mustard, the cheese or even his jib. He’s a weak candidate, but the strongest of the bunch of yahoos that ran in this clown car during primary season including such stalwarts as Nasty Newt, Sanctimonious Santorum, Bubblebrain Bachman and Herman “You Want MY Pepperoni on Your Pizza?” Cain. You noticed I left off Ron Paul who is still hanging in there for God’s know what reason. Why is he a Republican? They hate him more than they do Mitt. Poor delusional bastard. He’s the only candidate with any ideas which is a major strike against him as a Presidential candidate, let alone a Republican Presidential candidate. (Don’t tell his supporters I said this. I don’t want that mutant flash mob anywhere near my personal space.)

So Mitt becomes the front runner pretty much by default and wha’ hoppin’? He gets ho-hums from his supposed base. His own party’s lackluster support is going to skunk him just like they did McCain. And there is no one and I mean NO ONE he can pick as a running mate that will get Mitt the backing he needs to give the Prez a run for his considerable amount of money. The only person the Repubs will even consider would be the reanimated corpse of Ronnie Reagan, but then they’d try to convince Mitt to switch places with him. Then there’s that problem of who has more personality, Mitt or Zombie Ron? And don’t expect Silly Sarah Palin to join the ticket. Pasadena, baby. Besides, Tina Fey’s overexposed as it is. Mitt by himself? There's no there there. Beside someone else: Where is he? He's Claude Rains in the 21st Century.

So Barry the Big O'Bambino gets another four years and certainly not for the swell job he’s done in the first term, stumbling and bumbling about like a middle manager out of his depth.

Let me talk to you directly, your liege: It’s high time you stop exacerbating the problems we face by playing the blame game like you said you wouldn’t do. Bush has been out of office since January of 2009, dude. How can you move forward when you keep turning around and looking back? You can’t help it. It’s the nature of your party affiliation. That’s your greatest weakness, Mr. President. You’re a stinking Democrat.

Bin Laden dead? Well, if it did occur (which I still doubt), you can claim it and you do. It happened on your watch and you can play that card from now until November. Obama got Osama. Period. I’m not convinced, but it’s your game since you made “the right call”.

As far as your support of gay marriage, I can only say, “It’s about fucking time.” Of course you wouldn’t have done so at this juncture if Dopey Joe Biden didn’t open his yap now instead just before the convention like you wanted. Joe beat you to the punch, Barry. It turns out that he has bigger cajones than y’all. You came out, pardon the expression, on Good Morning, America and tell Diane Sawyer that it was your two daughters who convinced you to finally make a stand. Bull hockey. You and your minions are claiming that it wasn’t politically motivated? This is an election year. Everything you do is politically motivated. And am I the only one that thinks you were sweating bullets during that interview? A lot more “uhhs…” and “umms...”. than usual. I’m glad you said something but it sure didn’t come out easily. Now back those brave words up, buster. I'll believe it when I see it. Of course, I think Michelle maybe had a lot more to do with this than we think. That’s the real Reagan incarnate…Nancy, that is. And has anybody seen Joe Biden since last week? I got a feeling he got a major dressing down from da big boss man. What if he’s not on the ticket come convention-time for pulling the trigger too early?

The 15 million dollars POTUS raised in Hollywood the other night in Hollywood is another example of the obscene amount of money these campaigns are raising. As a credit card carrying member of the 99%, I find this disgusting. This is going to be a billion dollar election. And the rest of us can’t even afford Marie Antoinette's cake. (Never mind. I'm on a roll...) Guess what we get to eat instead? The same thing we have to day after day just to get by. Remember Hands Across America? Welcome to the Human Centipede Across America. Eat hardy. The 1% are deciding our fate and we're more than glad to pony up the dough.

So what say we just vote tomorrow? Just a show of hands. Everybody’s made up their minds anyway and those that haven’t probably won’t end up voting. In the end, it’ll will closer than we anticipated, but the results will be the same:

Barack Obama, two term President. Just like Bill Clinton. And George W. Bush. What a trifecta that is.

Mitt will be ringing your doorbell very soon. “Hello. My name is Elder Romney…”

Ron Paul will still be running. He just won't quit. Hey, Ron, Lyndon Larouche's on the phone.

If I'm right, just remember that I tried to get us to save a lot of grief with an early out. If I'm wrong, who cares? I'm just another asshole with a blog.

We're screwed either way. We'll still be stuck in the rat maze with only two choices, forever scampering about in search of the non-existent cheese they keep promising us. Four years ago, that cheese was called Hope. I don't what they're calling it this year. One thing for sure, it's going to be stinky.

But that's okay. There will plenty of cheap whine to wash it down.

Osama bin Livin'

A package arrived at Al-Qaeda headquarters this morning. Unwrapping it, they discovered a dead salmon wrapped inside a newspaper.


"What the hell is this?" one Al-Qaeda member asked.

"It's a Sicilian message. It means Osama bin Laden sleeps with the fishes."

I have mixed feelings about the news that U.S. forces reportedly killed Public Enemy Scumbaggio Numero Uno Osama bin Laden. It's not that I'm sorry he's gone. Far from it. It's too bad he wasn't aborted years ago so that this evil fuck was never born into this world at all. Set the Way-Back Machine and bring a knitting needle. What this horrendous piece of filth put this world through in his life and time can never be undone and, yeah, we're better off without him and would have been even better off if he never existed in the first place. Should have been caught alive? According to the reports, it wasn't an option, but then again, he was unarmed. It would have been great to see him do the perp walk, but then what? Stick him in Gitmo for Allah knows how long so that he could really think about the consequences of his actions. A lengthy nonsensical trial and, throwing himself on the mercy of the court, is sent to prison where the poor unfortunate lad can be rehabilitated and released back into society as a fine upright citizen who paid his debt to society?

NAHHHHHHHHH.......

Let's just say I'm skeptical, but just don't try to demonize me as as a conspiracy theorist. In the wake of the Birther bullshit (the latest salvo sponsored by that hump Donald Trump) along with the onslaught of other wackjob cock-a-doodle-doo, I understand the trepidation. There are just a lot of questions and doubts that I have in my mind that are confusing me at this very important moment in time. This burial at sea business sounds kind of suspect. You could say after a cap was popped in Osama's noggin, he was fitted with a cement overcoat. (That IS the Chicago way, isn't it, Mr. President?) No trace of a body, but then again, what if Osama was bombed into submission in one of those damn caves where they claimed he was hiding out, (They found him a suburb. Swell. Was he just sitting down to watch THE AMAZING RACE when the Navy Seals busted in?) there'd be no way to confirm his death then either, but this story is too pat so far. Shot in the head. Well, that's what is known as The Money Shot, that's for sure, but the whole operation seemed so Tom Clancy-ish, a little too slick to be completely credible. This story just keeps changing day-to-day, back and forth, to and fro, down is up, up is down, a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped inside an enigma...you know the Oliver Stone drill by now, don't you?

I can't help but be suspicious. I am a product of my environment. In my lifetime, but especially in the eleven years since 9/11, we have been fed a series of deceitful lies and half-truths passed off as facts by the Powers that Be, that is, when they decided to tell us anything at all. The crap they spoon fed us following those darkest of days hit us when we were at our most vulnerable and gullible. (WMDs, anyone?) I can't take what we are being told at face value anymore. Doing so has gotten into most of the mess find ourselves at this very moment. Maybe in the age of instant information and gratification, I'm expecting too much, too soon as it drifts in from the fog of war.

And I don't mean to piss on anybody's death parade. Killing bin Laden does provide more than just modicum of closure. It's also a helluva story. No time in American history have we been able to kill the bad guy. Remember, Hitler killed himself. Al Capone was picked up for tax evasion. So this was a golden opportunity. The timing couldn't be better, right before the tenth anniversary of 9/11 and a year before the election.

So what would convince me? Pictures? Not in the age of Photoshop. A body? Too late. He's shark chum. DNA evidence? The results were supposedly given before President Obama gave the announcement that he was killed. What is it I want exactly?

The answer is simple:

I don't know.

I only know this. I know that I want is for my government to stop lying to me. It's silly. It's naive. It's too much to ask. Maybe for once, they can tell us the truth. I don't want to to feel this way. It's been tearing me up all week long as I keep debating with myself whether I should post this at all. I don't write this to dishonor those who perished on 9/11 or those who have given their lives since then (with one main exception). Quite the contrary. It is because of those who died that we should really know what the hell happened and not be sold a bill of goods that just don't seem to add up. More and more, it's becoming nothing but smoke and mirrors. Just get your stories straight, people! You owe it to the dead, to the living and you owe it to yourselves.

And if Osama bin Laden is indeed dead, then good riddance to bad rubbish. Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler and Pol Pot have a fourth for bridge. That would make it a final score, in overtime:
Obama 1, Osama 0. (Sorry, W. You couldn't get 'ir done)

But if this all turns out to be a fairy tale, a shuck and jive, a flaming paper bag of shit, don't ask us to put out the flames. You lit it. You step on it.

I hope I'm wrong because I don't want to right. Because like the lyrics from the song by Sting:

"If I ever lose my faith in you,
There'll be nothing for me to do."

And that is a sad, sorry situation indeed.

Turkey Stuff 'n Nonsense

The Neverending Story also known as Election '08 finally came to a satisfying end. At least I feel like we
have a chance, whether it be slim or fat but at least it's better than no chance at all. (I love to quote myself)

Congratulations to Barack Obama, the new President of the United States. It's so refreshing that in this stressful time that grows worse every day, I can honestly say that I feel a glimmer of pride again. I hope it lasts.

What did we learn about this election?

Well, it's bad to be racist...which it is.

It's bad to be sexist....which it is.

But it's okay to be ageist...which, apparently, it is

Yup. It sure was funny to make fun of Ol' Man McCain, wasn't it? We all laughed. Hey, I'm guilty of it too, at least when it was funny like Chris Rock saying that if John McCain died of natural causes, it's all natural causes.

"If John McCain gets hit by a car, it's natural causes. If he was younger, he'd get out of the damn way."

But the rest of you...honestly, folks...were Depends jokes all you had?

Regarding Sarah Palin....if you don't start ignoring her, she won't go away. Period.

The economy's in the dumper and I have no sage words of advice for anyone. I'm not only in shit creek myself, I'm not even in the boat. I'm just hanging on to the side and praying we don't hit any rapids.

I do have a possible solution for the Big Three automakers (something besides go fuck themselves...or each other for that matter) How about if General Motors, Chrysler and Ford all merge? They can be known as General Chryslord (take that, George Lucas! "General Chryslord, destroy the planet Endor!") Then they can just refer to themselves as The Big One. If they fail, well, they can bite it, can't they?

Let's get on to something I do know about... movies.

Soon, we be inundated with more vampires than you can shake a stick at when the teenage Gothic romance TWILIGHT opens. Already, HBO's fair to middling TRUE BLOOD has been taken a collective bite out of the audience. Now Stephanie Meyer's creation is set to set a soccer mom movie attendance record, probably more than SEX AND THE CITY. Don't forget the little teeny-boppers and tweeners that drooled over the poster when they attended HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3. I hope it does well, at least for the sake of the Oregon Film Bureau since it was primarily filmed here and in Washington. It still doesn't make me want to see it. as far as I'm concerned, TWILIGHT looks like like every other TV show on The CW.

Want something in another class altogether? LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, the first Swedish vampire film I've not only ever but also the first I've ever heard of, is a wonderful take on the genre, much as Katheryn Bigelow's NEAR DARK had been in the eighties. Wonderfully moody directed by Tomas Alfredson, Let the right one in tells the tale of 12 year old (in appearance) vampire's budding romance with a troubled, bullied youth. Best of all is the incredible performance of Lina Leandersson as Eli, the littlest bloodsucker. She is absolutely hauntingly brilliant.

This film is well worth seeking out. Let TWILIGHT take care of itself. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is special.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Dog Days (and Nights)

Sliding into home base of Summer 2008. So little to say. So much time to blog it all down.

(Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.)

First off, a hail and farewell to two more greats that we lost this year, Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes. We're worse off without you, but better off to have known you at all. You made the world a better place.

History has been made with Barack Obama's nomination as the Democratic candidate for President of the United States. If the the Demos fuck this one up, they should be disbanded.

Anything's possible. After all, GW was not only elected (thank you, Mr. Gore) but RE-elected
(thank you, Mr. Kerry). Still, other than his choice for VP (Joe Biden? Really?) We should be getting used to saying President Obama real soon.

At the beginning of the summer, did anyone other than me think that Obama was going to pick John Edwards to fill out the other side of this ticket? The Wacko Conspiracy Theorist in me has a feeling that was the case until the DNC found out about Edwards' little bastard bundle o' joy and they were the ones who tipped off the National Enquirer. Even if it's not true, not a bad little story, huh?

As for John McCain, he picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. (Who?) If she's not related to Michael, then I've never heard of her. Still, you gotta hand it to him for going after the Hillary vote. (By the way, don't the Hillary supporters remind you of the Ellen Jamesians from John Irving's THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP?) Another way McCain can pick up support at the Republican convention is to appear onstage with GW, raise the President's arm in the air with his left and then clothesline him across the throat with his right, WWE style. When he tries to get up to his feet, a DDT, slamming his head straight to the stage. I still wouldn't vote for him, but I would shake the man's hand after that.

Next order of business:

RED ASPHALT is now available for download on the one and only Amazon Kindle.

What's a Kindle? I'm glad you asked. The Kindle is the wireless reading device sold exclusively by Amazon. You can download books, newspapers and magazines at a fraction of their newstand or bookstore price. In fact, RED ASPHALT, normally $17.50 in paperback, carries a Kindle price of just FIVE BUCKS. But, if you act now, Amazon will take 20% off which means you can read RED ASPHALT right this minute for just $4.oo. Holy smokes! In the immortal words of Crazy Eddie, "Their prices are...

IIIIIIINNNNNSSSSSAAAANNNNNEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It always warms my heart when another of my Pollardville bretheren surface and make this nimrod proud. I couldn't have been more pleased than see an article about my old friend, Artis "A.J." Joyce in last week's Stockton Record.

There is to your left, the master of the bass guitar and one of the sweetest souls who ever walked the planet, looking a little grayer, a little wiser and a little like he's about to tear it up on that bass he's peeking behind. A.J. taught me the significance of the bassline in music and how to listen for it. He made me appreciate how the pieces are fit together and putting it all in perspective. What A.J. teaches me now is that he, like

so many of my friends, make me proud because there's still out there getting it done, fighting the good fight and making the world a better place. Yep. He's the Man.

Check out this article about A.J. on Recordnet.com

http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080821/A_ENTERTAIN/808210318/0/A_ENTERTAIN03

I highly recommend the French thriller TELL NO ONE, written and directed by Guillaume Canet from the Harlan Coben novel. As densely complex as any mystery I've ever seen, TELL NO ONE tells the tale of a doctor who is falsely accused of his wife's murder eight years after the fact when new evidence surfaces. A classic Hitchcock-like scenario, this has something the Master often lacked and that was a deep emotional involvement, thanks mostly to the extraordinary performance of Francois Cluzet as the doctor. While TELL NO ONE has a few too many red herrings, it pays off like no other film so far this year.

One of my favorite moments of this summer was after the screening (which I took in after my MILES AROUND interview-that's me all over). I was walking to my car, following a married couple as the husband tried to explain every little twist and turn of the movie to his wife, a difficult feat indeed since the story requires a lot from its audience. DAMN good film.

And finally, if you've already read RED ASPHALT (which I know is a lie since I've checked the sales figures) and you need something to feast your eyes upon, please check out the website of a better writer than me, Chris Kuhn. Okay, I'm partial because he is my son-in-law, but the fact of the matter is the boy is talented. Do me a favor and visit his site at:

http://www.chriskuhn.net/

He's posted some of his work there, including the sensational stories IMPALA and CROCODILE TEARS. After you read his stuff, I'm sure you'll agree with me. In fact, what would you want to return here to read this drivel?

WHAT AM I SAYING?

ABANDON SHIP!

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

EJECT!