Jeff Dies at the End

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tis the season to be jolly and all that stuff, but hey, life goes on. Well, not in this case...

Since Time Magazine hasn't announced who their Person of the Year for 2019 will be,  I hereby nominate the only and only...

Jeffrey Epstein.

Don't light those torches just yet. And you with the pitchforks, put them down. Where the hell did you get those in this day and age...some hipster hardware store?

Hear me out.

Obviously, we are a nation divided by one thing or the other and everything at once. The impeachment hearings have one side crying "Foul!" while the others are salivating at each juicy morsel and the rest are, well, trying to get by as usual. Day in and day out, we're screaming at each other indignantly and sticking to our guns (literally) no matter how insipid or misguided our collective ideologies may be and who wants to listen to what the other has to say about anything because I'm right and you're wrong and don't you forget it.

However, there is one man who has brought us altogether...the despicable piece of shit and noted pedophile sex trafficker, the late Jeffrey Epstein.

I can't think of a single human being on this planet who is mourning the death of Scumbag Numero Uno, at least not anyone who would dare voice it in public. We all pretty much rejoice in his demise. In fact, that day may be celebrated as a national holiday as soon as next year. Not only are we united in the hatred for Jeffy Whip, but we are almost unanimous in the belief that...yes, I'm going say it....

JEFFREY EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF!

YAHOO NEWS STORY CLAIMS AMERICANS BELIEVE 3 TO 1

We all wanted to see this slimebucket pay for his crimes and those in his inner and outer circles tried for theirs as well. Now that he's in the past tense means what? Case closed? All of us should rise and demand some sort of truth because, no matter that the son of a bitch is DOA, justice has not been served.

But we won't. We'll make or share clever memes that he didn't kill himself and chuckle sardonically, something else we all have in common. (Guilty) That where it ends because, let's face it, gang, we all love a whodunit and once the speculation began, the divide began to widen again because we think we know who's behind it all. 

And why not? we all have photos at our disposal. Hey, there's Epstein with Trump! Yeah, I raise you with a shot of Jeff with Bill Clinton! Hillary did it! Hell no, it was the Royals! Ask Prince Andrew.. hold on a sec... where did he go after that interview? The Palace gave him the boot, eh? Where's he going to live? The Tower of London is vacant, isn't it? Leave us not forget all the misinformation out there. How can we when it 's all at the click of your finger? Be sure to use your middle finger most of all. It's more symbolic that way.

But who wants to hear the truth if it goes against the narrative they want to adhere to? The Epstein case is far-reaching and undoubtedly involves members from all sides. Then as soon as the first name from the perceived "Dark Side" appears, we'll declare victory, punctuated with a big "Aha! I told you so!" and that will be that. We'll only believe what we want to and poo-poo the rest since that's what we do now. We will never get to the bottom of this at this rate. Why can't we at least crack the surface and see how far this goes? Don't we owe anything to the victims, not just of the past but those in the future that are inevitable since no one, beside of a couple of jail guard schmucks who look like the only two who will take the fall? Sure hope they don't die in jail.

Here's another thought: What if he really did kill himself? Taking a page from The Godfather Part II, Perhaps a lawyer or consigliere ala Tom Hagen got to Epstein and convinced him to do himself in like Frank Pentangeli, that way, he could keep his fortune and his family would be taken of. Nah. That's too far-fetched.

Besides it's not justice. That's more important that any ideology, isn't it? Take off your blinders and look at the big picture. unless, of course, your tunnelvision has now become irreversible. Enjoy your life as part of a Human Centipede, be you red, be you blue or whatever you are, enjoy the view.

Let us now take a moment of silence and remember the man who brought us all together as a nation for the first time in almost two decades.

Jeffrey Epstein.

What do you say, Time? Person the Year 2019?

Can't ask Epstein himself. His time ran out.

May he burn in hell over an eternal flame.

UPDATE: Predictably, Time chose teenage climate change activist Greta Thunberg as their Person of the Year for 2019. Sorry, Jeff. Better luck next year. Oh, right...

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: There's fresh blood in the water in 2024 now that the long-awaited Epstein files have been released, naming names (a lot of them in passing, but chronicled nonetheless) with some accusations, some still hear-say and some out and out finger pointing. (Reckon Bubba Clinton's sleeping on the couch again) What will this all lead to? Nothing so far and they've sitting on these documents for quite awhile now. But guess what? No mention of Tom Hanks...anywhere. Son of a gun.

Feliz Año Nuevo

Another year down. It's about time.

There's really no reason to recall the events of the past 12 months because, honestly, who the hell wants to go through THAT again? Since we continue to categorize and rate our lives in blocks of time (for what-convenience sake?), we can all pretty much agree on one basic fact while disagreeing on everything thing else in the known and unknown universe:

2016 sucked ass.

We lost a lot last year, not just people, celebrities, notable or otherwise, but parts of ourselves as well. When the MAIN EVENT of November, that shit show known as the Presidential election finally came to pass, the end result was despair for the defeated and barely a hoo-ray for the victors. It was a bloody, brutal battle that summed up the entire year in a microcosm and left us everyone, involved or not, more shell-shocked that we'll ever be able to admit. But there won't be any chance to heal because time marches on, and that, my friends, is the natural fact.

It wasn't all mud-slinging and brickbats. Unfortunately, the bad outweighed the good in 2016 cuz what bleeds, leads and it so much easier to dwell on the worst of humanity, to revel in the pain because maybe, just maybe when we are exposed to an endless barrage of it, we'll be tough enough so that it won't bother us any longer. We won't be able to feel a thing. Remembering the good things of  your life and the world around us might actually be your Achilles heel.

That may be the stupidest bullshit you read this year, but I doubt it. Hey, I just saw this "breaking news headline":

Need I add that this is a perfect example of fake news? I do? O Madre de Mios. Ignorance begets even more ignorance as Mike Judge's film IDIOCRACY looks more and more like a documentary. Maybe a few guillotines aren't such a bad idea. Many of you aren't using your heads anyway.

If nothing else, this 12 month pummeling should serve as a wake-up call to everybody everywhere. Pay attention, people. Those of you who lost your shit over the election results were probably half-asleep to begin with and are too goddamn cranky when you open your eyes for the first time. What did you think was going to happen? You have to be the dumbest ass in the entire free world if you thought-or still fucking believe-that the popular vote means anything. It doesn't. You losers underestimated the winner of everything since he begin his goose-step to the White House.

And as for the other side, to the victors go the spoils. You should know it since you spoiled it. For Christmas, I ordered the Basket of Deplorables from Harry and David-some rotten apples and a bunch of nuts. (Second time I used this joke. Gonna do it til I get it right.)  I was worried about what you yahoos might do if Trump lost, what retaliation might occur. I should have been more concerned about what you Insane Clown Posses would do when he he won. Don't think you're going to get away with what you think you might do going forward. This is where the battle lines will be drawn. Civil War II, anybody?

For those who are not part of this angry mob, I hope for all our sake you made the right decision because it is one we will have to live with for the next four years. (Donaldo's not going to be a two-termer. He will get bored. You'll see.) Congratulations on your victory  If you ever get over your hatred of Obama, Hillary and the rest of the opposing side, I hope you'll keep a close eye on your POTUS. Try to recall the doubts you had going into this. You need to wake the fuck up too. To get along, what say we keep an eye on extremists on all fronts. You keep your wackos in check, we'll keep our nut jobs in line as well. Couldn't hurt, which is probably the most positive suggestion of the day.

Now it's 2017. Feel any different? I didn't think so. Time is relative. In this case, it's that creepy drunken uncle who's all pervy hands when it's time to go to bed.

Pleasant dreams, America.

Happy New Year.

POTUS Envy

As Charles Dickens once wrote, "It was the worst of times, it was the worstiest of times."

My ballot sits before me. It's time to pull the band-aid off this year-old scab and hope it won't bleed too much. Oh, but rest assured, little ones. There will be blood.

You think this is all going to be over November 8? Not hardly. Once the results are in, the party continues with a useless recount (or two), accusations of voter fraud from the left, right and center, not to mention what follows. Calls for impeachment will begin almost immediately, hearings will commence along with court proceedings and this obscene circus will never leave town.Soon we will long for those halcyon days of Election 2000. "Remember the hanging chads? Those were such a hoot!"

Now we're all innocently shaking our heads and wondering, "How did we get in to this mess in the first place?". If you don't know the answer to that question or even dared to ask it in the first place, please jump off the nearest high rise into rush hour traffic. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's all been fun and games until someone called Last Call. That's when the lights are turned up and reality finally sets in. "Oh no....I'm going home with THAT?????"

There are two candidates of any consequence in this battle. At least, that's what's been shoved down our gullets. If there's a phrase that pays in this cycle it's "The system is rigged", someone trumpeted from both side of the aisle. That's what y'all call irony with a capital IRE. The system is indeed rigged in favor of this archaically damaging two party system. Want proof? Take a gander at the two at the top. The others don't stand a chance and never will because the powers that be will never allow it to occur. Therefore, this country is beholden to either one or the other but not another until the end of time or days, if you prefer.

You could very well indeed vote for one of the other candidates. However you will be vilified not only by your peers but by those who actually stood apart not months before. The beloved little cherub Bernie Sanders himself is scolding those who would dare make a protest vote. Hey, pal. They're all protest votes. You were a protest vote. Why are you spitting in the face of all your supporters who say you as a viable alternative against the Hillary machine? Why are you toeing the party line so vehemently? Are you Berned-out? Unless...

CONSPIRACY THEORY #1
Bernie Sanders has been working for Hillary and/or the Democrats all along. He was never meant to win, only to gather support. Dear sweet Lady Macbeth has never skewed to a younger, hipper demographic, but that snow-haired firebrand Uncle Bernie got them all fired up like the rabble rousing Lefty he is what with his free college tuition promises, taking down the 1% and things that young people actually care about. Then when it came down to the wire, he rolled over way too easily, even after learning  he had been screwed over by Team Clinton. Instead of standing his ground at the convention when could have actually made a difference,  he told his constituents to vote for the candidate they hate as much as any Republican: HRC. The percentage of those who will indeed do as he asks may be enough to put her over. Good job, Bern. What were you promised-a cabinet post? Some much needed cash for your retirement? A Rascal to get around Washington? Let's face facts, old son. You won't be back in 2020. Too bad. You might have taken home the bacon this time around. As it is, you can take that participation trophy the DNC handed you to display prominently on your mantel for all to see as you sit in your Barcalounger watching election results on MSNBC.

On the Republican side, the tents went up on Cirque de So-lame as the clown car pulled up during debate season inexplicably beginning in late 2015. to every debate. The masses were oh so amused by the hi jinx that ensued when those doors opened and these buffoons all toppled out in fill regalia. "Damn it, Chris Christie! Why do you always have to get in the car last? Rubio's getting crushed!" "Because I have to drive. I know a shortcut so we don't have to take the bridge." This the party that controls Congress and has held the country hostage all this time? Holy merde. Say hello to their best and brightest, a bigger pack of empty suits and nimrods the country has never seen. But hey, the American people ate it all up with a plastic spoon if the Nielsen ratings were any indication (and they are) of what kind of a pit we have fallen into voluntarily. And the media has only perpetuated this shameful spectacle and milked it for all that was worth. They run everything into the ground to get every last nickel they can no matter what damage has been done.

So who's in the running for the highest position of what is laughingly referred to as the Free World?  Why, it's Hillary and The Donald for the POTUS championship belt, probably the worst main event in modern history.

Hill was crowned the Democratic nominee a long time ago in a backroom far, far away, probably back in 2008. The scenario could have been that she had been asked to graciously step aside because it was time for an African-American president, not a woman. "Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton. You're next. We'll see to that." "Don't call me Mrs. Clinton." So Barry O'Bam gets the nod and Hill gets to be Secretary of State. Whoopsy! Now she's an even tougher sell to the American voting public because, let's face it, Hilly is almost as reviled as the Trumpster. Her support stems from dyed in the wool Democratic sheep who would vote for a pile of dirty clothes if it had the right party affiliation, anyone and everyone wanting herstory to be made by electing the FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT (not Susan Sarandon who announced she doesn't vote with her vagina, giving new meaning to the term "ballot box") and every Trump hater who see her as more Presidential than the former star of THE APPRENTICE. But though Hillary may have the backing of Hollywood (the entertainment rag Variety has even announced their support, a first for the paper) with Beyonce, Jay-Z and Katy Perry singing their praises, she ain't beloved and never will be. Do you know why her slogan is "I'M WITH HER"? Because it's difficult to say her name in the same context. Try it. It'll get stuck in your throat. "I'm with HHHHHHHH....... I'm with HHHHiiiiiiiiiiiii...I'm with HHHHuuuuuuhhhhhh..... her."

As for for Benito Trumpilini. is there really anything more that needs to be said that wasn't self-evident the moment he threw his hate into the ring? For the love of God, people. This is the same fool who stood front and center with the Birther bullshit. I don't care if it originated with the Clinton camp. He became the goddamn spokesmodel for the product. Didn't watching his moronic reality send off any warning flares? Those Republican debates gave him the opportunity to be the Roastmaster General and he ran with it. After watching him skew everyone of his opponents, he was deemed the Washington outsider who shoots straight form the hip, no matter what the hell fall from his lips. After years and years of a non-productive government, he looked like the solution that the country really needs-to be shaken to its core so that we can start anew. Trump the Grump began spewing his ideas every chance the media gave him and that was constantly. The more outrageous the claims or accusations he made, the more the coverage he got. The fabled October Surprise of this election cycle was the Access Hollywood tape where he made despicable comments about women. Is this really a surprise in October or any other month? He's a pig. Shocking. Next. But that does bring up...

CONSPIRACY THEORY #2
Billy Bush leaked the tape himself, paid off handsomely by the Bush family, getting even with no only how Trump bullied Jeb but his humiliation of the entire family throughout the campaign. Don't fuck with the Bushes. They're ex-CIA. Barbara probably still wants to give him a hearty kick in the huevos for good measure..

The fallout left some chinks in Teflon Don's armor, but he was already insulated and reinforced by the plethora of hateful rhetoric regarding illegal immigrants, that insufferable wall and the rest of his playlist filtering into the cracks and crevices where lived the dregs of society aka the Basket of  Deplorables (sounds like something I want to order for the holidays from Harry and David). These sewer rats clawed their way back into the sunlight again as the nation finally began to head in the right direction and their kind had been forced to not go away mad, just go away. Well, they're back and it going to be tougher to get rid of them because now they've re-organized. What's going to happen when he loses? Something tells they're going to be poor sports. Can you say Civil War II, the sequel nobody wants?  Trump has been telling it like is, all righty. He's also been making it up as he goes along, a bull in a china shop that won't stop, win or lose, until the entire Great American Mall is reduced to a pile of rubble.

To use the 21st century version of a time-honored tradition of relating everything to 9/11, Hilly represents everything bad about America before 9/11 while Don-Don everything after. We're screwed either way. It's only a matter of time. With Clinton at the helm, it'll be a slow side into oblivion, stretching it out as long as possible, though as the campaign has progressed, the timeline might accelerate. President Trump will plunge us into disaster instantaneously.

So what to do? Does one pick one or the other? Would picking anyone else be a statement? What about leaving it blank? Do you dare throw your vote away? As for myself, I have picked the proverbial "lesser of two evils" in almost every election since I've begun voting. Now as I round the back turn and head into the home stretch,  I find myself in a moral quandary, telling myself that every vote matters as it has been drummed into our heads since turning the legal age to cast a ballot, regardless of the Electoral College system that only the winners want to maintain, but I refuse to flip the coin, roll the dice or eeny-meeny-miney-mo it. The thing is, I'm an Independent. These are not my candidates. By Oregon law, I was not allowed to make a choice during the primaries (a state proposition that would have done so was shot in flames last time around. Thanks for working against us, two party system!) There's Clinton, Johnson, Stein and the choice of a new generation, None of the Above.

It's two days before the election. I had yet to fill out my ballot. Which ever way I decide, I'm going to vote with my conscience. If you do the same, I applaud you. A conscience is a precious commodity these days. Hang onto it as though your life depends on it.

It does.

Cutting Both Ways

Ah, that fabled double edged sword swings again, slicing and dicing anything and everything in its path.

I don't post much about recent events on social media. Sure, I want my voice to be heard as much as anyone because I too am under the delusion that what I say matters and since I am beloved on-and-off-line, the world is waiting with bated breath for whatever brilliant bon mot I am about to present free of charge. But be sure to like me, love me, send me a virtual hug from your adorable emoji of choice. But for Odin's sake, don't challenge me or my valued opinions in any way, shape or form because I won't engage you in a spirited debate, at least not in an reasonable span of time.

You see, I usually get online before work, not spending more than a half-hour total. If I were to post some comment stating "Trump is going to have us all killed his first year in office" or "Hillary should be led away in chains", it is bound  to get a reply that I won't be able to answer for at least nine hours. I'd get "You liberal morons are all alike" or "St. Hillary will save us all", then when I answer with "Go fuck your mother" or something else just as pithy when the sun goes down, the piss has been totally taken out of it and render the entire enterprise moot.

(Hey, wait a second. I might be on to something.)

But honestly, kiddies, this hit and run tactic, if I were to engage in it, reeks of cowardice, the kind that the Internet perpetuates on a regular basis. That is, of course, if I didn't respond at all. And if and when I do, the chances for a civil discussion on any potentially touchy subject in any of these forums are slim, fat and no. It's an increasingly niche society and we're all breaking off into our like-minded groups, ready to jump down the throat of any dissenter with an even slightly different point of view. But anyone who agrees with me can sit at the cool kids' table anytime they want. C'est la guerre.

On the other hand (or blade), I haven't said anything lately because I don't know where to start and have this sinking feeling how it's going to end. Not to get all FDR here, chillun, but fear is one of the main problems if not the core to the whole shooting match (morbid pun intended). Fear is a crippler. it closes your eyes, your ears, your voice and your mind. It weakens you to the point where you can do nothing at all. You wait for it all to blow over like a bad storm, only it not going to go away, is it? It keeps returning again and again, worsening with each cycle. Soon you won't be able to hide any longer and when it's time to finally cry out for help there won't be anyone to hear you. This fear of what-each other? The outside world?  No. Our own shadows will do us in and there ain't a dang thing you do about it because it'll too late, baby. 

Then there's the guilt factor, too. If I don't comment about Orlando or Dallas or whatever wretched man-made disaster has occurred in the world, I feel like a wimp for not speaking up. The same goes for the fallout every blithering idiot feels compelled to share with the masses, which is generally the case of preaching to the choir, rousing the rabble into the ugly mob it most certainly is. But at least I get to learn a few fun facts along the way. Thanks, everyone, for schooling me that the AR in AR-15 doesn't stand for assault or automatic rifle. It does stands for something the public shouldn't be allowed to own. Like a bazooka. Might be fun to shoot, but I don't want my neighbor to wield one on the Fourth. I've held my tongue-or typing finger-about this sewage dump known as an election season because the bile I would hork up from the pits of my soul will damage my keyboard. But if I lay down some plastic, I will. Black lives matter. Blue lives matter. Let's face it. We're all black and blue from the pummeling this world gives us on a continuing basis since we've forgotten or never learned to defend ourselves.

(So what exactly is the thrust here, Cherney? You're going back and forth like a crackhead's racquetball tournament.)

I suppose I want to direct this to those extreme Facebook friends o' mine who run the gamut from soup to nuts. I've got God-fearin', gun-lovin', raw meat eatin' conservatives on one side, red diaper doper baby liberals on another, crazed conspiracy theorists so far on the left they make Abbie Hoffman look like Roger Ailes over to one side and survivalist snickerdoodles who are waiting for instructions to attack from the Big Giant Head  bringing up the rear. (Diversity. It's what for dinner.) I try to respect everyone's opinion and not delete them entirely because I disagree with any given post not matter how insipid, offensive or out and out motherfucking stupid I find it to be. This is nothing more than passive aggressive culling on this increasingly Anti-Social Network. But not responding to your nonsense isn't helping either. I'm going to start calling you on your bullshit. You see, I have a mouth and I must scream. Of course, these will only be my opinions too. And if you call me on my crap which will be expected  since I can jerk a knee with the worst of them, it may take awhile before I reply. You'll have to be patient. Or you can be the answer to the age-old question, "How do you keep an asshole in suspense?"

Excuse me now. I've got a sword to sharpen, both sides now. Hope I don't cut myself in the process. But even if I do, let it bleed.

Over the Hillary

NBC announced it will broadcast a two part min-series about Hillary Rodham Clinton. Sounds like a real ratings grabber. Maybe they should have THE VOICE as a lead-in. Just because it's Hollywood, there is another Hillary film set for theatrical release in 2016 because nobody does redundancy better than Hollywood.. Where does this leave the biopic of Madeline Albright with Danny DeVito in the title role or CRY ME A RIVER: THE JOHN BOEHNER STORY?

This news gives conservatives another reason to hate those dreaded Hollywood liberals. Ya can't really blame them too much. This ploy is pretty damn blatant, especially when you consider that HRC will undoubtedly make another run for the top office again. Nothing like an early endorsement (or coronation) to stoke the fires of hatred. (Hilly may be the candidate, but she ain't gonna make it to the office of POTUS, not after eight years of Barry. I'm calling it right now)

I am sure that HILLARY STREET BLUES or whatever they're going to call it is going be such a sanitized, saintly version of this potentially rich story, leaving all out most of the juicy parts (AKA compelling drama) in favor of platitudes for Ms. R-C.

Playing the former First Lady/Secretary of State is Diane Lane who will turn in a very competent, reverent performance given what she will have to work with. But who's going yo play Bubba? Not Kelsey Grammar, that's for sure. In today's Hollywood, liberals can play conservatives but not vice-versa which is why Lane is playing Hill instead of Patricia Heaton.

In the potentially hoot worthy epic of mass destruction known as THE BUTLER, the cast is probably the casting political boondoggle of the 21st century.. The best has to be John Cusack as Nixon, though Robin Williams as Eisenhower is a close second. The absolute worst offense is Jane Fonda playing Nancy Reagan. This is going to kill ol' Nan just so that she spin endlessly in her grave. This ain't right, but it sure is left.

But back to Bill. Who could possibly do President Clinton justice in this mini series? To my mind, there's only one person possible: Oscar nominee and NBC perennial...

Gary Busey.

Give that man a cigar.