It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Easter

Easter is weird. It's always been a hard sell to the public, ever changing to make it more palatable to the masses while the marketplace lamely attempts to create another Christmas to fill its coffers with our hard-earned shekels. But it just doesn't work and never really has no matter what they try to put together into this misguided holiday casserole.

Christmas and Easter revolve around Jesus Christ, birth and death, beginning and end. The former is seen more of a celebration. I mean, c'mon, the birth of a baby. (What...no gender reveal party?) And there's presents and decorations and lights and trees and lots and lots and lots and lots of songs. Three of them are actually quite good. Let's face it. Christmas is a behemoth. The latter should be as well because it does focus on the resurrection of Christ...from the dead. Okay, no zombie jokes here, but this where it gets dicey. What's even more difficult is the lead-up to this event. The whippings, wearing a crown of thorns, carrying the very thing he is about to be nailed upon...the crucifixion itself. Wow. It is indeed powerful stuff. If you are a believer, then this all feeds your soul and strengthens your faith because of the miracle that occurs in the climax of this story. If you're not in the loop or are just on the periphery, it can prove quite daunting. 

So Madison Avenue went into high gear, searching for new ways to jazz this holiday up somehow, some way so that maybe, just maybe there will be a way to get away from all the pain, suffering and all that blood. 

"Ideas, people! We need ideas! Johnson, what've you got?"

"Well, Easter was originally derived from the celebration of Ishtar, the goddess of fertility and sex..."

"Whoa, hold on, Hugh Hefner! Save your sexy time for your PTO, pal."

"No, no, sir. Think about it. We'll use eggs as a symbols. Fertility...eggs...get it? We can dye them in different colors and...I don't know...hide them so that kids can find them."

"And where do these eggs come from?"

"Well, again, still on the fertility page, we've come up with a rabbit called the Easter Bunny. He delivers the eggs."

"Lay off the edibles, Johnson. You're an embarrassment."

"But what if we add candy to the mix? Leftover chocolate from Valentine's Day repurposed into treats for the kids, not to mention jelly beans and marshmallow baby chicks..."

"Johnson! Are you out of your psychotic mind?"

"Sir, I see Easter as being a celebration of Spring itself. There's no limit to what we can do."

"You know what, Johnson? You're a genius. Now let's go cram this down the American public's throats. They'll buy anything."

What a mess.

So parade around in your bonnets with all the frills upon it, then go stuff your maws with ham and enough sugary crap to put you in a diabetic coma until the Fourth of July. It is a holiday, after all.

Now if you'll excuse me, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS is on, followed by DONNIE DARKO, NIGHT OF THE LEPUS and STAR 80. It's an Easter movie marathon!

Smorgasblog

Another Easter down and The Ten Commandments (AKA Moses! Moses! Moses!) remains the undisputed champion of this particular holiday films. Time to throw some contenders Cecil B.'s way for next year, don't you think? There are other Biblical blockbusters to choose from such as King of Kings or Passion of the Christ. But since the former is stodgy w/o the Hoot factor of Commandments and the latter being, pardon the expression, rough trade, epics of this nature don't really sustain as perennials.

Therefore, we have to go to the original scwewy wabbit himself, The Easter Bunny.      

First off, forget HOP which is forever tainted with whatever diseases Russell Brand left behind in the voice studio after lending his inconsiderable talents to this awful Peep of animation.

Instead, I would suggest the following:

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS...Giant mutant rabbits attack the Southwest. Need I say more?

DONNIE DARKO...the overrated kult klassic (intentional k, like krab)

or perhaps STAR 80.

Casting News: Ashton Kutcher has signed to play Steve Jobs in a new biopic. Jane Fonda has been cast as Nancy Reagan in Lee Daniels' followup to PRECIOUS. Next come the locust.

Attention Comcast, Fios, Dish and Direct TV: I would pay good money for a pop-up blocker for my TV. No more logos, promos, Twitter feeds or anything other than the content for which I am paying. I'd also block Alec Baldwin who pops up just about everywhere.

I've decided to not pay decent money to see Titanic in 3D at my local cineplex. Instead, I'll watch it at home while my wife stands behind the TV and throws ice cubes at me. Then I'll go drop a necklace in the toilet.

RED ASPHALT has finally lifted off the ground. I'm proud to announce that my novel is having its best year ever, climbing ever so high in the Amazon sale ranks for the very first time. However, one has to take the bad with the good, the bitter with the sweet, the fertilizer with the flowers:

Amazon customer Rebecca S. Stahl of Fort Worth, Texas has decided to weigh in . Here's what she thinks of  RED ASPHALT:

I cannot believe that this has received so many good reviews. I am 16% of the way through and I keep hoping that something will happen. The tediousness of the narrative is boring and the constant switch from imaginings to his real life are inane. I will try to keep plodding through this, but so far it is really bad.

I'll bet she's an Ashton Kutcher fan.

Enough of my inane bullshit. Los Angeles theatre critic Jason Rohrer has a brilliant column on the stage of the stage today. His spot-on observations could be applied to any facet of the arts scene today, but in this case, well, the title says it all: WHY THEATRE SUCKS

http://losangeles.bitter-lemons.com/2012/04/08/why-theater-sucks