It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Easter

Easter is weird. It's always been a hard sell to the public, ever changing to make it more palatable to the masses while the marketplace lamely attempts to create another Christmas to fill its coffers with our hard-earned shekels. But it just doesn't work and never really has no matter what they try to put together into this misguided holiday casserole.

Christmas and Easter revolve around Jesus Christ, birth and death, beginning and end. The former is seen more of a celebration. I mean, c'mon, the birth of a baby. (What...no gender reveal party?) And there's presents and decorations and lights and trees and lots and lots and lots and lots of songs. Three of them are actually quite good. Let's face it. Christmas is a behemoth. The latter should be as well because it does focus on the resurrection of Christ...from the dead. Okay, no zombie jokes here, but this where it gets dicey. What's even more difficult is the lead-up to this event. The whippings, wearing a crown of thorns, carrying the very thing he is about to be nailed upon...the crucifixion itself. Wow. It is indeed powerful stuff. If you are a believer, then this all feeds your soul and strengthens your faith because of the miracle that occurs in the climax of this story. If you're not in the loop or are just on the periphery, it can prove quite daunting. 

So Madison Avenue went into high gear, searching for new ways to jazz this holiday up somehow, some way so that maybe, just maybe there will be a way to get away from all the pain, suffering and all that blood. 

"Ideas, people! We need ideas! Johnson, what've you got?"

"Well, Easter was originally derived from the celebration of Ishtar, the goddess of fertility and sex..."

"Whoa, hold on, Hugh Hefner! Save your sexy time for your PTO, pal."

"No, no, sir. Think about it. We'll use eggs as a symbols. Fertility...eggs...get it? We can dye them in different colors and...I don't know...hide them so that kids can find them."

"And where do these eggs come from?"

"Well, again, still on the fertility page, we've come up with a rabbit called the Easter Bunny. He delivers the eggs."

"Lay off the edibles, Johnson. You're an embarrassment."

"But what if we add candy to the mix? Leftover chocolate from Valentine's Day repurposed into treats for the kids, not to mention jelly beans and marshmallow baby chicks..."

"Johnson! Are you out of your psychotic mind?"

"Sir, I see Easter as being a celebration of Spring itself. There's no limit to what we can do."

"You know what, Johnson? You're a genius. Now let's go cram this down the American public's throats. They'll buy anything."

What a mess.

So parade around in your bonnets with all the frills upon it, then go stuff your maws with ham and

enough sugary crap to put you in a diabetic coma until the Fourth of July. It is a holiday, after all.

But heed the words of that wise old sage Leon Russell, "Don't get hung up about Easter." 

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Bunny Business

Easter has never been one of my favorite holidays. I'm not religious, the buffets suck ass and I'm just not into pastel colors. Maybe my disdain for this holiday goes back to my childhood.

We had an Easter egg hunt in the backyard of my cousin's house. I found the golden egg. This meant I got the special prize: My very own goldfish and a little can of fish food. We put him a bowl of his own when we got home and before I went to bed, I told him,

"When you live with me, you're gonna eat good." (Don't correct my grammar. I was six.)

I then turned the can of food upside and emptied at least a third of it into the bowl. The next morning, he was floating at the top of the bowl sideways. DOA. I wanted to name him Floaty, but I ended up flushing him instead. 

Another Easter down and The Ten Commandments (AKA Moses! Moses! Moses!) remains the undisputed champion of this particular holiday, film-wise. Time to throw some contenders Cecil B.'s way for next year, don't you think? There are other Biblical blockbusters to choose from such as King of Kings or Passion of the Christ. But since the former is stodgy w/o the Hoot factor of Commandments and the latter being, pardon the expression, rough trade, epics of this nature don't really sustain as perennials.

Therefore, we have to go to the original scwewy wabbit himself, The Easter Bunny.     

Therefore, I would suggest the following:

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS...Giant mutant rabbits attack the Southwest. Need I say more?

DONNIE DARKO...the overrated kult klassic (intentional k, like krab)

or perhaps STAR 80.

Well, I've got eggs to open. Hopefully, I got some panty hose this year. 

Goddamn it, I'm old. And I still miss Floaty.

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