Summer Bloggin'

So the summer season comes to a close and what a few interesting months it was, eh, folks?
For me it began on 6/6/06, the day we were all dreading thanks to both The Bible and THE OMEN. No, Satan didn’t have his way that day (no more than he ever does, the lil’ scamp) and I scoffed at the silliness of the superstitious nabobs of the world for believing in such tripe. But, that day I got the boot from the company I was working for, an outfit that the very next day had a newspaper expose dealing alleged unscrupulous business practices. It was to laugh, it was to cry. Since then, I’ve been rehired and must wear clothes that are a cross between a Blockbuster employee and John Mark Karr (a summer ‘o6 reference that is sure to be a future Trivial Pursuit answer)
But the summer ended sadly ended with the death of beloved goofball Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Folks, something was bound to happen and the dingbat even said that he hopes it was captured on film. Should we be allowed to see it? Okay, but how about for a price. Make it pay-per-view and let the money go to some wildlife charity of the family’s choice. It’s just going to end up on YouTube anyway-or a revival of FACES OF DEATH. You’ve got to admit, ol’ Steve went out in real superstar fashion--pierced through the heart by a stingray. That’s something right out of ALIEN. Crikey!
Oh, and Happy 9/11, everybody. Haven’t you heard? It’s the 5th anniversary, don’t you know and you can celebrate by either renting one of two movies entitled UNITED 93, go see Oliver Stone’s non-political WORLD TRADE CENTER in a theater near you or stay home and watch ABC’s "politically charged" docu-drama about the events that led up to this future three day weekend. The liberals hate this version. Must be payback for THE REAGANS movie a couple of years ago. Maybe the producers though Oliver Stone was going to approach his film in his usual manner, NATURAL BORN KILLERS 9/11. As for me, it all just makes me want to vomit. It's too fucking soon for all this crap. Besides, I'd rather not relive it all by filling the coffers of those who choose to exploit the worst thing that ever occurred in modern times.
But let’s get back to some good ol’ superficiality, shall we?
In May, I was picking my choices for the Summer Box Office Derby and let’s see how I done did.
DA VINCI CODE- Not the #1 pick that I predicted, but still made over 200 mil.
Others on my list that made it were CARS, X-MEN 3, PIRATES 2 (number 1 with over 400 mil domestically), the suckfest known as SUPERMAN RETURNS, CLICK and MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3 (boy, was I right about TomTom’s flailing appeal). I missed OVER THE HEDGE though my assumption that the glut of CGI is hurting every animated release that passes was spot on, TALLADEGA NIGHTS due to Will Ferrell’s recent lackluster run I believed would hurt but was wrong wrong wrong and THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, this year’s sleeper that beat out my choice, THE BREAK OUT. I also fell for the hype of SNAKES ON A PLANE and I now wear the puckered asshole look of shame.
One more thing about SUPERMAN RETURNS. A sequel may occur sometime in the future, hopefully not under the guidance of one Bryan Singer. He is a one hit wonder, that being THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Singer has been a constant disappointment since then. Compare him to Christopher Nolan whose MEMENTO was just as good as SUSPECTS. Maybe his stuff hasn’t matched that first incredible success, but at last he didn’t fuck up BATMAN.
More about the summer of ’06 coming soon to a blog near you.

You Can't Spell Superman Without P-U

Okay, the above title is overdoing it a bit, but I couldn’t resist. The truth of the matter is Bryan Singer blew it. SUPERMAN RETURNS is quite a big lumbering mess and most of it is his fault. In 1978, the ads for SUPERMAN THE MOVIE read: You’ll believe a man can fly. Almost thirty years later, Superman may return, but his new movie sure as hell doesn’t fly. It just kinds of lies there, inert, treated in a timed, overly reverential state that doesn’t give it any room to breathe.

As much as it pains me to type the following words, I feel that I must:
SPOILER ALERT!
(As far I’m concerned, spoilers are just indications of bad writing. But since this is a blog and not the NY Times, here goes nothing…literally)

1. First and foremost, there are too many references to the Richard Donner original, beginning with the opening titles which are not very well done. The Superman logo should have roared to the screen from the back of the theater and announced its arrival like the triumphant fanfare it deserved. The use of John Williams' music is also kind of troublesome, keeping the film tied to an endless and distracting comparison to the Donner film. The 1978 movie should have been a jumping off point, not an anchor that restricts its movement. Donner could have almost received co-director credit. The use of Marlon Brando’s Jor-El monologues are way overdone to the point of absolute annoyance.

2.There hasn’t been a Superman movie in several years. How about a little re-introduction to the character? (Never mind SMALLVILLE as Singer has) The post-title summary explaining where Supes has gone and why was almost thrown away. Maybe the kid (who I’ll get back to) could have asked his mom or his dad who Superman was since he’s never existed in his lifetime.

3. Kate Bosworth. Fatal miscasting of Lois Lane, even worse than Katie Holmes in BATMAN BEGINS. However Kate’s scenes with Brandon Routh were actually not bad, if you take away the characters they were playing. They at least had a modicum of chemistry.

4. Parker Posey. I love Parker Posey. I’ve always loved Parker Posey. What the hell is she doing in this film? She has the worst, most unnecessary character in the film and not only is she is horrible in this part, Singer made her look absolutely hideous. If you’re going to have an archaic character like the villain’s girlfriend, give me Miss Teatsmacher every time. At least we are spared an Otis, unless you count Kal Penn. And I don't..

5. Kevin Spacey. I love Kevin Spacey. I’ve always loved Kevin Spacey. But do we really need yet another goddamn Lex Luthor? Talk about all over the map. First he’s a snarky wiseass from the Gene Hackman school, complete with various toupees, something else we never needed to see again. In the finale, he turns into an actual villain, even stabbing Superman in the back with a kryptonite blade. Does he get any comeuppance? No. He gets a dopey stuck-on-a-desert-island bit with Kitty Kowalski. Here’s what should have happened: When Kitty threw all the crystals out of the helicopter, Lex should have gone after them. Kitty would fly away, Leaving him stranded on his crystal island. When Superman hurtled the island into space, he would be inadvertently killing Lex in the process. Why not? The Joker is killed in the first BATMAN.

5. Lex’s henchmen have no personalities to speak of and after they beat the crap out of Superman, again, no retribution. A big crystal pillar falls on them. Yawn.

6. Way too much of the kid for as little as they revealed about him and-oooh-maybe his superpowers. For the most part, all he did was gawk at everyone with his big brown eyes, not unlike Damien from THE OMEN. And who the hell cut this kid’s hair?

The movie is not a total waste. It’s pretty decent in bits and snatches. The Superman-Lois-Richard triangle is semi-interesting, especially the cliché avoidance of turning Richard into well, a dick. What’s Singer got against James Marsden anyway? In the X-Men movies, he loses Jean Grey to Wolverine, now he loses Lois to Supes. He’s become this year’s Bill Pullman. (see: SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING and probably some other bad rom-com with sleep in the title) The scene when Supe asks Lois what she hears when they’re flying above the earth is damn near perfect. He hears everything and everyone. “They all want a savior,” he tells her. The best moment occurs when Superman drops the jetliner in the baseball stadium. The crowd cheers when they see that Superman has returned. I cheered a little too, because it was about the only time I felt the rush of heroism that this movie so badly needed. And my reservations about Brandon Routh in the title role were unfounded. He handled the role quite admirably considering the handicap of a bad script. Routh did not hit one false note, even if he only hit one note at a time.

In Bryan Singer’s film, Superman is not reintroduced and certainly not reinvented. He doesn't even return as much as he just shows up. What we really needed was to be REMINDED what makes Superman who he is and what makes him the greatest hero of all time. You ain’t gonna find in this bog. Should there be any follow-ups (judging by the minuscule audience I sat with in just its second week of release, it may not be likely), I hope the powers that be hire another director. Maybe Richard Donner isn’t busy.

Summer Blogs Office

Blogs office…Get it? That’s a joke, son! That’s witty!

With summer movie season upon us, I figured, oh, what the H, I’ll play the game.
Here are my predictions for the top ten box office money-makers. I’m talking strictly domestic grosses here, meaning only U.S. dollars.

THE DAVINCI CODE…THE biggest book of the last five years will be the big ticket item of the summer, provided, of course, that it doesn’t blow chunks or people are so goddamn stupid that they are actually put off by Tom Hanks’ hair.
CARS…Normally, Pixar would rule the roost, but there is such a glut of CGI animation that maybe audiences will not be able to discern between the Good (anything by Pixar), the Bad (just about everything else) and the Ugly (the low rent shit the Weinsteins are beginning to crank out such as DOOGAL and HOODWINKED and Pixar-less Disney junk-CHICKEN LITTLE, THE WILD)Still, my money’s on John Lasseter. Hope he pulls it out.
PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN 2…The first one was a sleeper. Will this justify a third episode, already in production? I’d say so. If not, Jerry Bruckheimer is going to look like an absolute fool. Wait a minute, whose side am I again?
SUPERMAN RETURNS…Three hundred million mother-fucking dollars. Holy Mother of Kal-El. Fifty of that is in development costs alone since several scripts have been written (one by Kevin Smith, another the ill-advised BATMAN V.S. SUPERMAN), a near-start with Tim Burton and Nicolas Cage (yikes!) and a near-miss with the retardly named McG (thank you, Jesus). I just don’t see this jump-starting the franchise with so much at risk. This would have to do TITANIC numbers and those dollars may not be possible anymore. This may be a one-shot enterprise or to use another analogy, WATERWORLD. That was neither good nor bad. It was just okay, the worst crime of all.
CLICK…Never bet against Adam Sandler. This time he’s in BRUCE ALMIGHTY territory, so this is the closest thing to a sure thing that isn’t a sequel or a pre-sold commodity.
X-MEN 3…Brett Ratner, yeah, yeah, I know, but it’s The Grand Finale of two successful predecessors. And come on, Kelsey Grammer as The Beast? That's just nuts.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3…Methinks Tommy Boy has jumped the proverbial shark. This will be an international success, but at home, where he’s been beloved since he danced in his underpants, Tom will not Cruise and domestically, he’ll disappoint.
THE BREAK-UP…The Big Date Movie of the summer, unless Jennifer Anniston has hit the rocky road of over-exposure herself and the public has tired of Vince Vaughan’s shtick. I say upgrade.
SNAKES ON A PLANE…Huge opening, dwindling follow-up weeks, but enough to bring out the curious and the kooky.
LADY IN THE WATER…Not a big M. Night Shyamalan fan, but I can’t ignore his track record. Even his weakest, UNBREAKABLE, opened big and THE VILLAGE, though it underperformed, still posted large.

The duds are going to be POSEIDON (another bad remake idea and an enormous budget at $170 mill) and MIAMI VICE (2 words: Colin Farrell)

Of those posted above, I have a desire to see DA VINCH, CARS, SUPERMAN and those goddamn SNAKES, but, honestly, what I’d rather see are the following:

THE ILLUSIONIST… Edward Norton as a 19th century magician co-starring Paul Giamatti

ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL…Terry Swigoff (CRUMB, BAD SANTA) directs an adaptation of Dan Cloves’ (GHOST WORLD) graphic novel

THE PROMISE…Chen Kaige of FAREWELL, MY CONCUBINE directs his first martial arts fantasy.

PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION…Very possibly Robert Altman’s last film.

THE PROPOSITION…Australian Peckinpah! Tie me kangaroo down and then shoot it in the back of the head in slo-mo, mate!

NACHO LIBRE…Jack Black is a masked Mexican wrestler in this follow-up from the creators of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE…Big hit at Sundance about little girl beauty pageants.

THE NIGHT LISTENER…Robin Williams (shut your ignorant mouth) in a thriller by Armistead Maupin (TALES OF THE CITY)

A SCANNER DARKLY…Phillip K. Dick by way of Richard Linklater’s animation ala WAKING LIFE

SCIENCE OF SLEEP…Michel Gondry of ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND tries it w/o writer Charlie Kaufman. Can he do it?

There you have it thus far. From a 2005 summer that could not suck enough comes at least diverse schedule of product, enough to at least keep me interested for a little bit awhile. All I have to do is actually set foot in a theater. But until then….

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Blog Jam

With oil prices spiraling out of control, the search for alternative energy sources
continues...

Gee, looks like it's a lock for President Bush (aka GW Bungle) to go down in history as
WORST PRESIDENT EVER. Congrats and kudos, Mr. Pressydent. This guy's so bad, Nixon just popped his head out of his grave and said, "Jesus...and they called me Dick..."

Well, let's go onto the world o' show biz, shall we?

The more I see of Brandon Routh, the new Superman, the more skeptical I’m getting about the whole shebang. Not only does he resemble the love child of Tom Cruise and Jason Schwartzman, but what is the deal with the damn curly-Q? If this movie is costing almost 300 mil, can’t they spend a few bucks to make this nimrod’s hair look a little less like an inverted Alfalfa from OUR GANG? As for Kevin Spacey as Luthor, I feel like I’ve been there, done that. Well, shucks, wasn’t he Dr. Evil in the pre-title sequence of AUSTIN POWERS: GOLDMEMBER? Maybe Kev needs the bucks after the Bobby Darin fiasco. I ain’t no Spacey hater by any means, but the return of Superman to the screen needed a different villain than Lex-baby. Brainiac, perhaps-even a lesser known opponent would have been acceptable. It worked pretty decently for Batman last year. Ah, me. What’s an aging geek to do?

TV has perked up once again with the return of THE SOPRANOS and HBO’s latest triumph, BIG LOVE. Who knew one could be so enthusiastic about a Bill Paxton show? This is a gem in the making, the story of polygamists walking the earth among us-or another version of I LED THREE LIVES retitled I WED THREE BRIDES. Paxton is married to Jeanne Trippelhorn, Chloe Sevigny and Gennifer Godwin and, well, let’s just say wackiness ensues! This is one fine damn cast. Along with the leads, you get Harry Dean Stanton, who I thought dropped off the edge of the earth, as the smarmy cult leader, the great Mary Kay Place, and the dynamic duo of Bruce Dern and Grace Zabriskie as Paxton’s parents. The best HBO shows involve sort of variation on the family, whether it’s THE SOPRANOS, SIX FEET UNDER, ROME, even, to some extent to THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW. BIG LOVE is no exception, taking what could have been a one-note sitcom premise and instead taking a willing audience for a nice bumpy ride in the country. What fun.

Other shows worth my interest:
The Travel Channel’s ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS
Round the world hi jinks with everybody’s favorite new alcoholic ex-junkie. Yippee!

E’s THE SOUP
A reworking of the old TALK SOUP show with Joel McHale. Much better than VH-1’s BEST WEEK EVER. Snide, snarky, snotty…and other adjectives that begin with sn…also balls out funny.

My friend, Grant-Lee Phillips (see SPECIAL GUEST STAR: LARAINE NEWMAN) who has been playing the troubadour character on THE GILMORE GIRLS since its first
season, will be featured in this May 9 finale. According to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, Grant will open the Stars Hollow Troubalooza, a town concert that will be a prominent part of the episode that will also include Neil Young and Sonic Youth. That’s my boy!

Well, that's all for now. After all, this is a blog, not a goddamn manifesto.