Holy Crap, Batman!

My goodness gracious. Aren't we in a collectively pissy mood lately? It seems we're absolutely outraged over just about everything these days, whether they're world events or the slightest trivial infraction exploding into a controversy of catastrophic proportions. It's not like we don't enough to complain about-Syria, another in series of impending government shutdown, mass shootings, the weather, this, that, the other thing... But gee whiz, folks, does Miley Cyrus really deserve this much notice? It's Miley Cyrus, for chrissakes! Where the hell are your priorities? I don't want to know who really gives two turds in Turlock whether she's twerking or tonguing or whatever she was doing on the MTV VMAs. It doesn't matter. It's Miley Cyrus not Mother Teresa. And since when is anyone caring about the VMAs again?

Among the other stuff and nonsense as of late:

BEN AFFLECK IS THE NEW BATMAN

Never mind the obvious joke about Matt Damon as Robin (it's already been done in BEHIND THE CANDELABRA), this news about Affleck playing The Caped Crusader in BATMAN vs SUPERMAN has caused a shitstorm that made Hurricane sandy look like a light breeze. First of all, Warner Brothers should have cast an unknown. Henry Cavill is still Superman, a carryover from THE MAN OF STEEL and he's not exactly a household name. Second, it's called BATMAN vs SUPERMAN. Can it be any more obvious that it's going to stink up the cineplex? DC has been losing to Marvel on the film adaptation front. THE DARK KNIGHT series gave a boost and THE MAN OF STEEL performed better than expected. They just couldn't wait to junk it up with an AVENGERS-like wannabe. FRANKENSTEIN vs THE WOLF MAN, KING KONG vs GODZILLA, FREDDY vs JASON, ALIEN vs PREDATOR. This is what you do when you're trying to squeeze your last nickel, not when you're mving forward, nitwits. Third, the question of Ben. Well, he's taller than Christian Bale, so there's that. But why hasn't anyone questioned what this stupid all-around idea will do the career he's been trying to establish since GIGLI? His film ARGO won Best Picture last year and now he wants to play superhero again. DAREDEVIL wasn't humiliating enough for him. This is a step down for all involved. It's not a crime against nature that's Affleck is the new Batman when there are worse ramifications here, not the least of which is another craptastic superhero movie for the summer cesspool season.

COREY MONTEITH EMMY MEMORIAL

It's no secret that I hate the Emmy broadcast, but it's an awards show, so what can one really expect a show business circle-jerk that the public gets the privilege to witness. This year, the BIG scandal involved this Corey Monteith kid, a supporting actor on GLEE who ODed this last summer, getting a special memorial on the show, separate from the normal Death Parade. Others that got the same special treatment were James Gandolfini, Jean Stapleton, Gary David Goldberg and Jonathan Winters. Viewers, mostly older, were incensed that Monteith got an honored spot rather than Jack Klugman, Larry Hagman or even Julie Harris. The truth is none of the five should have had this tribute. Why were these dead people better than the other dead people? Gary David Goldberg had a couple of hit shows with Michael J. Fox. Jonathan Winters, one of the funniest man ever, guested on a a lot shows and joined the cast of MORK AND MINDY in its final year. Big contributions to TV? Not as much as Hagman. Due to the popularity of his JR Ewing, DALLAS wasn't just one of the most popular shows of all time in America, but the world. Its ratings were more than all of these shows put together. So the special memorials were really unnecssary unless you included them all, making it a five hour show. All or nothing. The inclusion of Monteith was supposedly a nod to younger viewers. Yeah, way to bring in the kids. Just say no, chillun. Maybe Nancy Reagan should have given the eulogy instead of Jane Lynch. It's a subject not worth the bluster. Let the kid have his only day in the sun. The rest have legacies. What I considered worse was Carrie Underwood singing "YESTERDAY", though I did get a good chuckle when she admitted she's "not half the man she used to be".

 FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY CASTING SONS OF ANARCHY'S CHARLIE HUNNAM

A book I'm never going to read adapted into a movie I'll never see. As my sister used to say to piss off my grammarian mother, "It don't make me no never mind."

Trivial bullshit? We're soaking in it. Yet the apoplexy on the web and beyond has reached tsunami levels. It's a whirlpool that is just going to drag us further down the drain and flushed out to the sea of despair which is not a round trip back to any semblance of normalcy.

As for me, I try to focus on what really matters in life, the important things that are important to enrich one quality of being in this. For example:

Why did I waste 12 full hours of valuable time watching UNDER THE DOME? Hah! UNDER THE DUMB is more like it. (Snap goes the dragon!) Thanks for nothing, Stephen King. Your story played better in THE SIMPSONS MOVIE. It also had an ending. Boy, one cow chopped in half and I got sucked in for the whole summer. Well, at least Moo-Moo was cut length-wise...

See? The IMPORTANT things.
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What's Up, Dark?

It took me a couple of tries, but I finally made my way through what has been rightfully termed THE movie event of the summer and that is THE DARK KNIGHT. When I say “a couple of tries”, I’m not exaggerating and its explanation will serve as a qualifier for the bulk of my review.

I chose to see THE DARK KNIGHT at a single screen cinema, mainly because I’m fed up with the whole multiplex experience especially with the bleed through of sound that eminates from neighboring auditoriums. besides, I'd rather support the little guy instead of a mega monolith like Regal or Century. So, I picked the Cinemagic, a cute lil’ joint in the Hawthorne district that has a gold lame curtain that, unfortunately, isn’t utilized any longer. About an hour into the film, the projector broke down and the owner told the audience that it would be almost a half hour before it could be repaired. This didn’t fit in with my day, so I opted to return, which I did two weeks later. This time, I had been distracted by some twit in the third row of the center section who must have been going through some sort of Ritalin withdrawal, bouncing up and down, backwards and forwards in her chair like a two year old on crack. At one point, this moron even had the audacity to turn around and wave at me. If that’s not a WTF moment in life, I don’t know what is. When the credits rolled, I stopped her as she trounced up the aisle to leave and thanked her for ruining the movie for me. “Sorry” was her pathetic response. Unbe-fucking-lievable.

But did she really ruin THE DARK KNIGHT for me? Not really, but it came real close to doing it to itself.

I found the film to be so goddamn bombastic that I felt pummeled by the midway point. I haven’t my senses so assaulted since that first crappy sequel to THE MATRIX (THE MATRIX UNLOADED). But that was a rotten film and THE DARK KNIGHT is far from that. On the other hand, it isn’t great either, as many have asserted. It falls far short of that mark as well. There is greatness in it and perhaps a great film in the middle of all this. But what is up there on the screen in this form is one big fucking mess. THE DARK KNIGHT gave me the impression that it is a work in progress. The editing does not flow together from scene to scene, particularly choppy in the first half (remember, I saw it twice). Sure the big chase scene is spectacular, probably the best action sequence of the past five years, but there’s nowhere to go from that. The final act with the two ferries is totally incomprehensible and drags this movie down to the ground, leaving the last confrontation with Batman, Lt. Gordon and Two Face flat and almost unnecessary, except for the denouement which isn’t strong enough to fully redeem it.

About Heath Ledger, I can definitely concur with the consensus. He was absolutely spectacular and the best screen villain since Hannibal Lecter. That reeks of political correctness, but I had to agree that he is indeed the whole show and the main reason to see this film. I only wished the movie served him better in the last half hour. Even he started to wear out his welcome, peaking with his stint at the hospital as the loveliest nurse since Daryl Hannah in KILL BILL. But in the end, he seems to be wearing a retread of the Cesar Romero suit and just treading water.

I also didn’t much care for the whole China sequence, a sub-plot I found bland and uninteresting since the wrap-up was so garbled. The Harvey Dent storyline also felt like a whole lotta piling on, with the courtroom scene where he disarms a thug in the witness stand being the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve seen all year. It seemed like a parody out of THE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. Aaron Eckhart did his damndest not to look the fool and rose above a lot of the doggerel he had been handed. Here lies some of the problems that has been inherent in the Batman film franchise since BATMAN RETURNS: Why the need for more than one villain? What, The Joker isn't a strong enough character on his own? Still, this Two Face was an vast improvement over the previous Joel Schumacher interpretation. He just paled in comparison to The Joker. Then again, anyone would have.

Christian Bale served to annoy me more than anything else and he’s the damn star of the movie. His Bruce Wayne, except with his scenes with Alfred, have become Johnny One Note, playing the arrogant prick card far too much for my liking. His Batman has become Throat Cancer Boy. Is this vocal inflection supposed to compensate for his short stature or does he just need a lozenge? I’m not getting the duality of human nature from this guy nor am I getting the conflicted vigilante that may not be mentally stable himself. I’m just getting impatient. Maybe that's why Bale pushed his mum around. She probably offered him a Ricola...or told him that she liked him in NEWSIES better.

The rest of the cast-the great Gary Oldman (thank you for keeping this man’s career alive and kicking), Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman-each and every one of them stalwarts.

BUT…

HERE COMES THE ICEBERG WHO DAMN NEAR SINKS THIS TITANIC…

Maggie Goddamn You to Hell Gyllenhaal gives the singularly WORST performance of this or any other year as the supposed paramour of both Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne. The world-and in particularly the geek world-owes Katie Holmes an apology for what was said about her work in BATMAN BEGINS. She may have been wooden. She may have been miscast as an Asst. District Attorney, (kind of like casting Britney Spears as Maria von Trapp). But she didn’t fuck the movie up so much that you wanted to start yelling at the screen for an actress’ blood like Maggie Gyllenhaal does in the movie. She acted like a petulant substitute teacher in the midst of all this- drab, dull and just downright snotty like she just walked over from the SEX AND THE CITY auditions where she lost out to Jennifer Hudson. Jesus, what a lox.

The best part? She won’t be in the next movie.

Let's face it. The Batman franchise has had one decent female performance in six films: Michelle Pfeiffer. (I'll bet you thought I was going to say Alicia Silverstone, didn't you?)

Here are a few other things that bothered me and, because it’s 2008, I have to say this, at least for my own conscience:
SPOILER ALERT!
What happened to The Joker? Oh, he was caught and that’s that? Something told me another scene exists out there, probably with his death. Maybe they didn’t want to kill Heath Ledger on screen. That’s pure speculation, but if that isn’t true, why not a final nod to the character, maybe even just a last laugh, hmmm? The whole movie is centered around The Joker and he get zilch. If you didn’t want to kill The Joker, then he’ll be back, right? Who’s going to play him next time? I hear Mike Myers isn’t busy at the moment. (heh-heh-heh)

Didn't the school bus driver behind The Joker see him drive out of the bank?

Why does the mayor of Gotham City wear eye liner?

Christopher Nolan, I was rooting for you all the way, believe it or not. Your first effort, BATMAN BEGINS, resurrected Batman from the ashes and you really aimed high the second time around. The problem is you went all out in almost every single scene and didn’t know when to quit or how to put together a cohesive whole. By the end of THE DARK KNIGHT, I felt frustrated and not the least bit weary. Nothing could have really lived up to the hype that surrounded this film. It’s been oversold since Day One (thank you, Rick Emerson). Still, I expected more, but the more you gave, the less I wanted. You ended up not overreaching, but burying your good intentions and interesting ideas in a Phil Spector like Wall of Noise instead of trusting the material before you. It's as if you cooked a fine meal only to smother it all in an overbearing sauce. That's not a crime. You just didn't know when to quit. As it stands now, THE DARK KNIGHT represented that more was less instead what should have been the other way around.

Of course, my new best friend in the third row of the Cinemagic didn’t help. She only made it worse.

Maybe I should have showed her the pencil trick.

Summer Bloggin'

So the summer season comes to a close and what a few interesting months it was, eh, folks?
For me it began on 6/6/06, the day we were all dreading thanks to both The Bible and THE OMEN. No, Satan didn’t have his way that day (no more than he ever does, the lil’ scamp) and I scoffed at the silliness of the superstitious nabobs of the world for believing in such tripe. But, that day I got the boot from the company I was working for, an outfit that the very next day had a newspaper expose dealing alleged unscrupulous business practices. It was to laugh, it was to cry. Since then, I’ve been rehired and must wear clothes that are a cross between a Blockbuster employee and John Mark Karr (a summer ‘o6 reference that is sure to be a future Trivial Pursuit answer)
But the summer ended sadly ended with the death of beloved goofball Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Folks, something was bound to happen and the dingbat even said that he hopes it was captured on film. Should we be allowed to see it? Okay, but how about for a price. Make it pay-per-view and let the money go to some wildlife charity of the family’s choice. It’s just going to end up on YouTube anyway-or a revival of FACES OF DEATH. You’ve got to admit, ol’ Steve went out in real superstar fashion--pierced through the heart by a stingray. That’s something right out of ALIEN. Crikey!
Oh, and Happy 9/11, everybody. Haven’t you heard? It’s the 5th anniversary, don’t you know and you can celebrate by either renting one of two movies entitled UNITED 93, go see Oliver Stone’s non-political WORLD TRADE CENTER in a theater near you or stay home and watch ABC’s "politically charged" docu-drama about the events that led up to this future three day weekend. The liberals hate this version. Must be payback for THE REAGANS movie a couple of years ago. Maybe the producers though Oliver Stone was going to approach his film in his usual manner, NATURAL BORN KILLERS 9/11. As for me, it all just makes me want to vomit. It's too fucking soon for all this crap. Besides, I'd rather not relive it all by filling the coffers of those who choose to exploit the worst thing that ever occurred in modern times.
But let’s get back to some good ol’ superficiality, shall we?
In May, I was picking my choices for the Summer Box Office Derby and let’s see how I done did.
DA VINCI CODE- Not the #1 pick that I predicted, but still made over 200 mil.
Others on my list that made it were CARS, X-MEN 3, PIRATES 2 (number 1 with over 400 mil domestically), the suckfest known as SUPERMAN RETURNS, CLICK and MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3 (boy, was I right about TomTom’s flailing appeal). I missed OVER THE HEDGE though my assumption that the glut of CGI is hurting every animated release that passes was spot on, TALLADEGA NIGHTS due to Will Ferrell’s recent lackluster run I believed would hurt but was wrong wrong wrong and THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, this year’s sleeper that beat out my choice, THE BREAK OUT. I also fell for the hype of SNAKES ON A PLANE and I now wear the puckered asshole look of shame.
One more thing about SUPERMAN RETURNS. A sequel may occur sometime in the future, hopefully not under the guidance of one Bryan Singer. He is a one hit wonder, that being THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Singer has been a constant disappointment since then. Compare him to Christopher Nolan whose MEMENTO was just as good as SUSPECTS. Maybe his stuff hasn’t matched that first incredible success, but at last he didn’t fuck up BATMAN.
More about the summer of ’06 coming soon to a blog near you.