Please Hold Thumbs: A Demon Marches to Pretoria

In this installment of PLEASE HOLD THUMBS: A NOT SO ROUND TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA, my wife and I finally landed in Johannesburg after four days of flight layovers, re-routings and general mismanagement by our carrier. (I won't mention any names, but it rhymes with Schmelta.)

While my wife bounded off the plane ready, willing and able to make up for lost-or more accurately, stolen-time, I was a wreck, going down for the count quickly with a deadly combination of a hangover and jet lag. 

Welcome to:

A DEMON MARCHES TO PRETORIA

My first impressions of South Africa were muted and filtered through my rapidly deteriorating state of mind and body. Anything I could assimilate in the drive from Johannesburg to Pretoria, where we would be staying, was unrealistic and should be taken with more than just a grain of salt. (Perhaps a peppercorn would have helped.) That said, the countryside looked to me much like parts of California’s San Joaquin Valley, an area I’m very familiar with since that’s where I spent most of my born days. I could have sworn that we were driving through Turlock at one point. Then again, I felt as though I had just been through brain surgery without an anesthetic.

We arrived at the home of Chris’ mom, Elke, in a gated community that had one major difference from one in the USA. Razor wire and lots of it was spun around the top of the walls surrounding the area, definitely a sign that trespassers were not welcome in the least. The use of razor wire can be justified by the residential burglaries that yearly range into the tens of thousands. The murder rate in Joburg’s greater metro area runs at about three times the rate of our very own Chicago. I don’t know what the stats were for Pretoria, but it could have only been slightly better due to its smaller size. Still there was no reason to feel paranoid, just vigilant. This would have been the same precaution one would take just about anywhere in the world, including back in the good ol’ USA (and especially Chicago apparently). You have to remember that in my hometown of Stockton, it was not unusual to hear gunfire in the middle of the night no matter where you lived. Still, it was obvious that even in this more affluent neighborhood in Pretoria, complete with adjoining golf course, security was a major concern. I couldn’t help but think that the razor wire gave this upscale suburban community a bit of a Fort Apache flair, reinforced by the security guard shack that were passed through upon arrival.

Once inside Elke’s lovely house where she so graciously allowed us to stay, I began to enter the earth’s atmosphere. I knew I would be crashing and burning some time very soon. After a much needed scrubbing that washed the trials and tribulations that had accumulated on my body for the past four days, I found my way to the nearest bed and down for the count I went for a necessary rest.

What I mistook for my own snoring stirred out of my slumber, but the thing that hovered over me brought me to full consciousness…I think. It was a naked doll-sized that seemed to have been dipped in oil, which would account for the glistening sheen of its skin and stringy clotted hair. Its pus colored eyes bulged forward as if ready to explode with blackened pupils surrounded by numerous blood veins staring directly at me. The sound that I thought was my snore was actually a phlegmy, wheezing growl that blew over his craggy teeth like the wind over ancient ruins. It took another half second to realize the gender of this thing was male if the enormous penis between its stubby legs had been any clue.

I tried to remain calm, but I had to flinch when it spoke.

“Human…” it hissed.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?”

“You don’t know who I am?” it demanded indignantly.

“I dunno…Flavor Flav?”

“I am the Tokoloshe!”

“Taco who?”

Then I remembered reading about this little imp in my research before the trip.

“Oh yeah. Tokoloshe. You’re a South African demon or something, aren’t you?”

He rolled his bug-eyes.

“This is South Africa. I am the Tokoloshe. So yeah, good guess, human.”

I noticed that when he shifted his weight from one foot to the next, he had only one buttock. No wonder he was so unpleasant.

“Wait a minute. In everything I read about you, you’re not supposed to be able to get on a bed that’s elevated above the floor. That’s why people put bricks or blocks underneath. You can’t climb. This bed’s off the floor. How’d you get up here?”

“I pole vaulted.”

“How?”

“I had impure thoughts and let nature its course. She-boing!”

With that, he grabbed his unit and started spinning it around cockily, so to speak.

“Stop that. What’re you, Will Rogers? You can put an eye out with that thing. What do you want anyway?”

He threw his package over his shoulder like a Continental soldier and snarled.

“I am going to make your life a living hell!”

My nasty mood resurfaced and I shot back at the little creep.

“Okay, save your breath, Long Dong Silver! I just spent the last four days in and out of airplanes and airports trying to get to this place. I am jet lagged and pissed off. I need to sleep, you got it? Besides there’s nothing that you can do that would be any worse that what the goddamn airline I booked passage on hasn’t inflicted on me already. To sum up, I am not in the mood for any of your shit, you half-assed little bastard.”

The Tokoloshe looked taken aback.

“What airline did you fly?”

“Delta.”

“Oh yeah. Those guys suck. You poor son of a bitch.”

“So you gonna leave me alone?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he sneered. “I’ll go visit the neighbors.”

“Thanks. Sorry about the half-assed remark.”

“Don’t mention it. I get crabby when I’m tired too. Get some rest, human. I know the way out.”

He turned to go, but I stopped him.

“Hey, Tokoloshe?”

“What?”

“Do you know Charlize Theron?” He smiled with his Parthenon teeth then began to quiver.

“Charlize Theron? Whoa…”

With that, the Tokoloshe got excited again and propelled himself off the bed.

“You okay?”

“Eina! Uhh…you were right.”

“About what?”

“I almost put my eye out with this thing.”

With that, I drifted back to sleep, if I was ever awake at all. Something tells me I dreamt the whole thing.

Next Up: BAD KITTY

and if you haven't already, read the first chapter OH, THAT'S NICE

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