Battlefield: Portlandia

Just not very well.

Turn left-Look out, it's Antifa!
Go right- Head for the hills! It's the Proud Boys!

Where the hell can you go in Portland, Oregon these days? GPS doesn't work as you try to navigate your way around from these two angry mobs. So what to do? Stay home and sequester yourselves in your above ground bomb shelters? Stick your head in the sand until they go away? How about finally putting your foot down and saying enough is finally enough? It's okay. You don't have to use your inside voice.

This best of all possible worlds (once upon a time, say back in the mid 00s) is under siege by these packs of blithering idiots who are tearing the city apart from within and without. They're drying up necessary resources that keep the self-proclaimed City that Works (well...) barely afloat amid its multitude of everyday problems without these dopes using the streets as their personal battleground.  Last weekend, downtown had to virtually shut down to allow the August melee the freedom to take over what is the middle of a normally abundant summer season, causing a loss of approximately $3 million dollars of lost revenue and not counting what the city spent to keep any semblance of peace. Thanks, y'all. Good job. Two thumbs up and I don't mean in the air.

The Battle of  the Boneheads continues.

On one side you got your interlopers, them thar right wing extremists with names like the Proud Boys, Patriot Prayers and, I dunno, The Eagle's Anus or something. These members of President Benito Trumpolini's best and brightest continue to congregate here for some some damn reason or another. Their message is lost in all that strutting, chest-thumping and flag waving, a bunch of nonsensical tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. (Thanks, Willy S!) Yep. That's them. The few, the proud, the morons.

And in this corner, stepping out of their clown cars and into the ring with these nimrods are the Antifa. What a sweet name they have. Sounds like the most darling nanny from Martinique ever! "Antifa! Read me a story!" "Antifa! I have a boo-boo!" "Antifa! ICE is here!" Yeah, they ain't that frickin' cute. This ever-growing group of vigilantes have formed their own uniformed army, populated by a bunch of ne'er-do-well ragamuffins who would never consider the military as a career option, if that's even on the table to begin with. These gosh darn kids even try to add a bit of whimsy to the proceedings, some of them dressing as unicorns and bananas while tossing mayonnaise and vegan milkshakes at the other side. Of course, they also carry shields, metal poles and who the hell brought the bear spray? These cretins go off the rails more often than not, as extreme left as the Proud Marys are to the right and never the twain shall meet except on the streets of downtown Rose City, USA

Both groups harass, harangue and mock each other at unbearable decibels for hours on end until the whole shebang escalates into a schoolyard brawl all at the cost of taxpayer dollars that neither side will pay. The right wingnuts are from out of town, the left, well, frankly don't give a dime, my dear, so guess who's footing the bill and going to suffer when the coffers run dry?

Portland mayor Ted Weenie allows them get away with it. Even though the last kerfuffle wasn't the Tiananmen Square smackdown that was anticipated, Teddy Bear claimed victory while Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw finally got to do her job. The bullshit was kept to a minimum, considering what happened last time. The worst parts made the nightly news, of course and now are being used as fodder for social media on all platforms.

O Portlandia, swoop down and skewer these dumbasses, okay?

But was it a draw for both factions?
Nope.
Sorry, Anifa, the wrong is right wingers won again.

These Trumpets are here for one main reason-to make their adversaries-meaning you, progressive Portland and liberals in general-look their absolute worst before a world stage. The revolution is being televised, streamed and shared, you idiots, and there you are in full focus becoming unhinged. They are trying to provoke you into a fight with their very presence and you take the bait every fucking time. You go mental before every camera pointed in your direction. Who cares if you have them too? It's just another angle. Every stupid act is being recorded, logged and shown around the world. It's ammunition for their side for not only the next election but for the very future itself. The more passive they get, the more empowered you feel because you outnumbered them. You became the oppressors. You became the jack booted thugs. You became the goddamn bullies.

And hey, Mayor Weenie was letting you do his dirty work for him. He can't look bad when he's up for re-election. What? Teddy Ruxpin's a law 'n order candidate? Oh, hell no! This chump has the spine of a gummy worm. He'll let these ass clowns into town for their rallies, then let you run rampant to run them out on a rail. When the dust, clears, he'll wash his hands of you with a 5 gallon barrel of Purell. You are pests being used to get rid of pests. What's going to happen when it's your time to hit the road, jerks?

So what's the thrust here? Should you not counter their protests? Well, the ever holy First Amendment applies to both sides now. What to do when the Proudies and Prayerie Dogs return which they threaten to do EVERY SINGLE MONTH for who knows how long? (Who's financing them? Follow the money!) The Antifalites could actually change their strategy.

I'm all in favor of a public shunning. Dress in your black unitards, stand on each side of their "parade" route and when they approach, turn your backs silently.

Oops. Sorry. I forgot you're all hopped up on caffeinated kombucha and incredible edibles. You'll be too twitchy to be quiet. Stay on the sidelines and talk amongst yourselves. They don't exist. Ignore them. Pretend they're not there. If this riles them up and they get so frustrated they attack, then fight back. But do NOT throw the first punch. You can have the last.

Awww...ain't it quaint?

The best idea I had is that the next time these MAGAtrons return to praise their lord and master, the Head Cheeto in Charge, they can be granted their request to for public assembly, only this time they have to congregate in Mill Ends Park, the world's smallest. It's a cute little Portland attraction of sorts that sits in the  median of a busy street near the waterfront in downtown P-town. Mill Ends is only 2 ft. across, covering a span of only 452 square inches. This will accommodate only one Proud Boy and one counter protester, your Antifala of choice. They can stand on each side of that spot and holler at each other at the top of your imbecilic lungs all the doo-dah day while dodging traffic all at the same time. Lotsa luck, fatheads.

All this crap makes my head ache. I personally don't care what happens between these dueling double dildos as long as they take it out of the city. Don't we have enough problems on a day to day basis without adding these modern day  Civil War re-enactments to the equation? Put 'em in a stadium and let 'em have at it. Be sure to charge admission. Might as well get something out the deal.

Am I straddling the fence here/? Damn right I am. How else are the rest of us going to get by, usually barely enough to survive ourselves? Remember this, my droogies, I didn't build that fence. It was put up without my consent and, as far as I'm concerned, it's just another obstacle on an increasingly difficult course. We've had almost three years of this shit already. No wonder we're suffering from battle fatigue. Next year's the dreaded election, but don't think it's going to end there when it reaches its inevitable conclusion. There's a distinct possibility that it's going to get even worse.

As Karen Carpenter once sung, "We've only just begun."