Beauty Killed the Beast

At the climax of the original KING KONG, a crowd gathers around the big ape's dead body after he fell from the top of the Empire State Building when a New York cop points states the obvious to Robert Armstrong's Carl Denham..

"Well, Denham, the airplanes got him."

(I guess his bullet-ridden corpse was a big clue.)

However, Denham contradicts him, proclaiming, "Oh no. It wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast."

Then the gathered throng ad-libs, "Beauty?" "Beauty?" "What is he, drunk?" (Maybe I imagined that last line.)

So here we are in 2017 and King Kong lives again (must have been a flesh wound) in KONG: SKULL ISLAND, released a week before the new Disney live action version of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.and naturally, controversy prevails in the atmosphere. KONG's alleged racial insensitivity is being recycled from Peter Jackson's ten year old version, so it barely registers a blip this time around. I guess #KONGLIVESDON'TMATTER. No, this time, the bonfire is burning at Disney over a ("GASP!") homosexual character perpetuating the gay agenda to influence and brainwash influential young minds around the world.

In new BATB, Josh Gad plays Le Fou, the goofball henchman of Gaston, the narcissistic heavy of the story To add a little garnsih to the character, Le Fou has a big crush on his handsome friend and ay, there's the rub.(For Le Fou, anyway)

It seems some people have a problem with this piece of whimsy, elevating it to this to an outrage of Def-Con 4 l proportions. "Homosexuals? In a family film? Not on my watch!" I find it amazing that we are having this conversation in this day and age of tolerance, acceptance and peaceful coexistence...oh, wait. That sort of thinking is so last year...

A drive-in theater owner in Alabama has refused to show the film. They released these statement on their website:

As of December 16th the Henagar Drive-In is under new ownership. Movies scheduled prior to that date and four weeks after this date were not scheduled by the new owners. That being said…It is with great sorrow that I have to tell our customers that we will not be showing Beauty and the Beast at the Henagar Drive-In when it comes out. When companies continually force their views on us we need to take a stand. We all make choices and I am making mine. For those that do not know Beauty and the Beast is “premiering” their first homosexual character. The producer also says at the end of the movie “there will be a surprise for same-sex couples”. If we can not take our 11 year old grand daughter and 8 year old grandson to see a movie we have no business watching it. If I can’t sit through a movie with God or Jesus sitting by me then we have no business showing it. I know there will be some that do not agree with this decision. That’s fine. We are first and foremost Christians. We will not compromise on what the Bible teaches. We will continue to show family oriented films so you can feel free to come watch wholesome movies without worrying about sex, nudity, homosexuality and foul language. Thank you for your support!

Russia actually considered a nationwide ban on BEAUTY, but has since decided to allow the film to be seen, now with a 16+ rating, meaning no Russkie young 'uns will have their minds polluted by Western gay propaganda. To pile on even further, a boycott has been threatened not only against the movie but also against the Disney corporation. Walt is spinning in his grave like a rottisserie chicken.

But what's all the hub-bub, bub? BEAUTY AND THE BEAST has a PG rating. How much hot man-on-man action can there really be? The MPAA really frowns upon anal sex, suggested or otherwise. And to make the whole brouhaha just a bit ironic...Josh Gad is straight while Luke Evans who plays Gaston is openly gay. Put that in your phallic-shaped pipe and smoke it, Henagar Drive-In.

I would support a  boycott on BEAUTY AND THE BEAST for other reasons, like that Disney is regurgitating its own product back into society. A live action version of a cartoon remake makes my head spin at 78 rpm. This is, of course, the Disney way and basically always has been. Next up are live-action versions of THE LION KING and PINOCCHIO with Gepetto probably played by Morgan Freeman. The Mouse Factory is exactly that, a big soul-less machine cranking out widget after widget in the name of commerce first and foremost while creativity and originality have gone the way of the dinosaur (not a successful character in the Disney canon).This don't mean a fig to Disney acolytes around the globe who will flock to this because SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!

The Beauty/Beast story has been re-told cinematically over the ages, most recently in a 2014 French version with Vincent Cassel. Of course there's the Disney animated cover, a classic of the genre from the 1990s (yes, even with Robby Benson as the Beast). TV has its own versions in name only, the most popular being the 1980s series with Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton in the New York sewer system. (How romantic!) Another rendition of the classic story was made for the small screen starring George C. Scott as the furry freak brother, who starred with his then-wife Trish Van Devere. It might have been more interesting with the first Mrs. Scott, Colleen Dewhurst, though there might have been some confusion on who was playing The Beast.  There have also been those low budget knock off variations on a theme like MERIDIAN and TANYA'S ISLAND. Though I don't know for sure, at some time there must have been a porn version called BOOTY AND THE BEAST. Boy, talk about your low-hanging fruit. So to speak.

Nothing, but nothing beats the spectacular Jean Cocteau masterpiece  from 1946. a true work of art that occupies a space on my favorite films of all time. But hold on just a doggone minute....Cocteau was...GAY! Not only that, his lover was Jean Marais, the actor who played the Beast. Holy merde! Where does that leave Beauty in all this? Maybe they should have called it BEAUTY AND THE BEARD. (Ba-dump-bump!) I guess it really is a fairy tale after all, isn't it?

The bottom line (no pun intended unless you swing that way) is that I feel compelled to support a product I feel to be repellent, but for completely different reasons. While I abhor this era of remakes, reboots and re-imaginings, building the cultural landfill to epic proportions that will eventually bury us all, I hate ignorance, intolerance and narrow-minded assholes even more. If I have to choose my battles, I'll take on the latter first because the threat is so immediate. The former has been a lifelong struggle that I will always rail against until the end of my time.

But who am I really kidding? I won't pay money to see the new BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. I'd sooner watch the cartoon again since it's the same goddamn movie.  The Cocteau film is an even better bet. But if I choose to go out, I'll opt for the fun and games of KONG: SKULL ISLAND. Wait a minute, what? King Kong now identifies as gender non-binary?

Carl Denham might want to change his answer.

Star Wars: The Force Wakes Up Again

My birthday movie this year, originally to be THE HATEFUL 8 until it under-performed and was yanked out of the cinemas earlier than expected, was the new STAR WARS, admittedly a reluctant choice even if it was an early choice. My apprehension has been previously noted in an earlier post (DEATH STAR FOR CUTIE), but I opted for this over Oscar hopefuls SPOTLIGHT and THE BIG SHORT because it was indeed my birthday and I felt a need to satisfy my inner geek, 3D and all. (Last time I don those goggles, that's for sure) The result was a pleasant if unspectacular experience. It didn't take long for me to ascertain that THE FORCE AWAKENS was actually a remake of what has come to be known as A NEW HOPE, a title that still makes me throw up a little in my mouth. That's pretty much the J. J. Abrams formula for success, film-wise, that is. He piggy-backs onto the back of proven formulas-STAR WARS, STAR TREK, the Spielbergian SUPER 8-energizes them enough to make up for the lack of originality and goes on to the next,  That's all fine and good for this film since it's exactly what the fans wanted: More of the same. Toss in a ton of callbacks to the first trilogy to make the die-hards weep for their lost youth, stir in new characters that are just makeovers of the old and let's not forget to blow up that Death Star again, people. But don't think it doesn't work because it does,  That is, unless you begin to scrutinize it which any geek worth his pocket protector is going to do, myself included. The new cast is quite good, especially Daisy Ridley as Rey, but if she isn't Luke Skywalker's daughter, I'll eat a bucket of Taun-Taun jerky. John Boyega's Finn comes in a close second though I didn't buy his conversion from storm trooper so much. Oscar Issac's New Age Han Solo was a throwaway and an opportunity missed-the passing of the torch of Han to Poe. Why didn't these two meet? Adam Driver had some swell moments until he got all all angsty and whiny like...oh, it's a family trait. I see. Daddy issues. (yawn) And was Kylo Ren's real name Ben? Holy Yoda. The whole enterprise (Enterprise? You can't say that here!) all smacked of a well-produced, albeit formulaic TV pilot to me. That's not an insult in this day and age. However, nothing really stood out and the lack of any memorable scene rather than fleeting moments seen through rose-colored 3D glasses, make it all fade into the mist after awhile. That's not to say I didn't enjoy seeing some of the old gang and getting a nostalgic lump in the throat a couple of times. But I also watched RETURN TO MAYBERRY back in the day just to see Thelma Lou, Otis and whoever hadn't kicked the bucket by then. I think Yogi Berra (or was it Alec Guiness?) put it best. "Nostalgia ain't what it used to be." Sure, it's great to get the band back together, but it would have been nice to hear a few new tunes. My final verdict on  STAR WARS VII?  I could have waited to watch this episode in a second-run house, just as I had the the prequels. And say what you want about them, but at least ol' George tried something original. Sure, he failed for the most part, but it was always his to do so. These days, that ain't gonna put butts in seats. THE FORCE AWAKENS sure has. All it had to do was appeal to the masses and they came out in droves.  It's all in Disney's hands now, just like everything else. It won't be long for  before they put Mouse ears on Vader, Ewoks in The Avengers and a droid version of FROZEN. Enjoy.

Bambi: The E! True Hollywood Story

I haven't pimped my first book, IN THE DARK: A LIFE AND TIMES IN A MOVIE THEATER, in quite a long time. In fact, I've never provided an excerpt in this here blog. So, for the first time, please enjoy this clip entitled:

BAMBI: THE E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY

BAMBI was the first movie I never saw.

My mom used to like to tell the story of taking me to see the classic Disney cartoon back when I couldn’t have been more than two years old. I don’t recall this momentous occasion in my life, which, more than likely, was probably my first exposure to the world cinema. Even though she stretched the truth here and there, Ma didn’t lie, so this is the way it supposedly came down.

Apparently, all I kept saying on the way to the movie theater was “I wanna see
Bambi! I wanna see Bambi!” (Awww…Baby’s first mantra…) Once we arrived, we
passed the lobby display for the film, which I would assume to have been the famous shot
of Bambi, turning around and checking out the butterfly on his ass...eh, tail. I was totally
mesmerized by this life-size cartoon image. The size alone dwarfed my lil’ toddler self
so, needless to say, I was pretty darn impressed already. Then again, everything was big
in those days. Even poodles.

Anyway, with me in my mother’s loving arms, into the auditorium we went to
find us a suitable seat for the duration of the picture show. Once that mission had been
accomplished and we were settled, I must have felt it was high time that I start my war
cry once again, this time a little more manic and ten times more repetitious.

“I wanna see Bambi! I wanna see Bambi!”

Mom kept reassuring me that, in just a few minutes, I would be able to do that
very thing.

“So pipe down, will ya?”

Mom often quoted from the Mickey Spillane Book of Childcare.

“I wanna see Bambi! I wanna see Bambi!”

Finally, the lights dimmed and the movie mercifully started. You’d think that
might have appeased me or, at the very least, shut me up a little. Uh-uh. I was even more
incessant and, perhaps, just a little crazed.

“I wanna see Bambi! I wanna see Bambi!”

Mom pointed up to the screen and said, “There! Look up there! There’s Bambi!”

“No!” I argued and pointed toward the lobby. “I wanna see Bambi!”

My mother figured it out and immediately schlepped me back out to the front so I
could once again gaze at the cardboard cutout of Bambi. It did the trick, lulling me into
enough of a tranquilized state that I finally did pipe down once and for all. We never
again ventured inside to see the movie, my mom not wanting to take the chance that I
might snap at any given moment. So, we stayed in the lobby for the rest of the show until
it was safe to go on home.

To this day, I cannot remember if I ever saw BAMBI at all, except in clips, of
course. Therefore, I’ve never had to suffer the childhood trauma of witnessing the
gangland hit on Bambi’s mom, another helpless victim of wilderness genocide. (Disney
did nail me a few years later with a documentary from the True Life Adventure series
called THE LEGEND OF LOBO. I’ve NEVER recovered from that nightmare.)

From the BAMBI experience, I’ve come away with a story that may or may not
have happened as it was told over the years. It has probably been as fabricated as that
cardboard lobby display was, lo, so many years ago. But, since I’ve never seen the movie,
there is one thing I would like to know…

Even if they were deer, just who in the hell names a boy Bambi anyway?

The Kindle edition of IN THE DARK : A LIFE AND TIMES IN A MOVIE THEATER is now on sale at Amazon.com.


IN THE DARK at AMAZON