Bond, James Bond: Nobody Does It Better

With SKYFALL, the most highly anticipated James Bond film in years, exploding across movie screens all around the world, it's only natural that I totally geek out like the aging fanboy I am and always be about the one and only 007.

Here's the list no one has asked for but I'm going to give it to you anyway, my personal favorites Bond films from first to worst.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE-007th Heaven. Everything I loved about this film when I was 12 years old, I still love 45 years later. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Japan, ninjas, fight on a rooftop,Little Nellie, best finale ever, volcanoes, outer space, Roald Dahl, Ernst Starvo Blofeld. Here's a previous blog featuring an excerpt from IN THE DARK (a movie memoir written by yours truly)  to explain it for you right here

GOLDFINGER-The Mack Daddy of all Bond films. This is the one that kicked the series into the stratosphere and transformed into a legend. So many positives, so little space, but a special shout-out to Shirley Bassey and John Barry, a match made in movie music heaven.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE-The best written of the early Bond films, this was also the first of the series I saw at a wee lad. (Believe it or don't, it was the bottom half of a double bill) So many highlights: Robert Shaw and the night train fight, the attache case (the first gadget of the series), the boat chase and Lotte Lenya (!) as Rosa Klebb who, as we learned, "had her kicks".

THUNDERBALL-Terrence Young's last outing on the series gave him the best batting average of any Bond director. The theme song, sung by inimitable Tom Jones, had some of the most indecipherable lyrics ever.

He strikes like Thunderball? Huh?

GOLDENEYE-The collective debut of both Pierece Brosnan and director Martin Campbell put the one over the top for me. I love the story of Bond pitted against his absolute equal played by the great Sean Bean. Their fight scene alone guaranteed this a position in the Top Ten. Then again, so does Famke Jannsen as the best-and hottest-villainess in 007 land, Xenia Onatopp. Yes, she is

DR. NO-Still maintaining a healthy spot on this list is the very first film, a bit clunky in spots, but still maintains the magic it produce fifty years hence. DR. NO gave the world not only 007, but Sean Connery as 007 . Oh, and Ursula Andress rising from the surf. That in itself has made the world a better place.

CASINO ROYALE and CASINO ROYALE-This is my damn list and I will rank them as I see fit. I equate Daniel Craig's first time out with the outrageous 1967 spoof with David Niven, Peter Sellers and Woody Allen. Why? I enjoy them equally for totally separate reasons, neither one more than the other. The 2006 reboot started from scratch and really does live up to its excellent reputation. But I find the entire enterprise so damn dour that it loses points for me. And Texas Hold 'Em instead of Baccarat? No wonder Le Chiffre cried tears of blood. On the other hand, I fully acknowledge that the 1967 version is a piece of crap, but it is an extraordinary piece of crap. This is a guilty pleasure for the ages. And it's a bit telling that I own this version and not the other, isn't it?

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE-Peter Hunt was the film editor of the first three Bond films, second unit director of the next two. then graduated to the director's chair with this oddity, George Lazenby's one and only. I have trouble galore with this pic-the length, Bond's undercover guise of Sir Hillary Bray, the lack of continuity between films with Blofeld not recognizing Bond (they just met in that fricking volcano!) But this one touches the heart for the first time with James Bond marrying Emma Peel, culminating in tragedy. Not a dry fanboy eye in the house.

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY-Despite the wretched pre-title sequence that basically craps on the previous entry, this is Roger Moore's best outing, the one where he finally earned the right to claim the throne, at least in my eyes only. Best of all, it allowed Moore's Bond to be an actual badass in a scene that has been dubbed one of Bond's Coldest Kills, as shown in the second sequence of this compilation:

THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH-Michael Apted was about as curious choice of a Bond film director as Sam Mendes is for SKYFALL. The guy who helmed COAL MINER'S DAUGHTER? WORLD has the longest pre-title of any in the series, almost a mini-movie all its own. Sophie Marceau and Robert Carlyle are a superb duo, but the ending is weak and Denise Richards as Dr.(????) Christmas Jones. Yeesh. And the title song is by Garbage. Never fails to get a chuckle out of me.

LIVE AND LET DIE-Another candidate for the guilty pleasure department is Roger Moore's first, more of an extended episode of THE SAINT than a Bond picture . But the motor boat chase in the swamp (if you discount Clifton James' overbearing redneck sheriff) kicks some Bayou bootie and George Martin's score is fan-damn-tastic.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE-Bourne, James Bourne. Much maligned for a lack of story (thanks to a writer's strike), this, the shortest Bond film ever, has more highs than lows. The pace actually helps more than hinders, even though it short-changes everything by the end. The desert finale rocks but, mama mia, this is still the worst title ever.

OCTOPUSSY-Going head to head that year with NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, this one is the better of the two thanks to an able assist from swashbuckler novelist turned co-scenarist George Macdonald Fraser and the sensational train chase. Maud Adams in the title role three films away from her last appearance ...problematic.

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS-I had picked Timothy Dalton to replace Roger Moore way back when I saw him in FLASH GORDON. He played 007 with the same intensity as Daniel Craig, but the series wasn't ready for that yet. Therefore, he comes off as a joyless prig much of the time for some, but to me, he filled the shoes of the iconic agent admirably. I like this entry, especially in retrospect with the Afghan/Russia conflict.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN-Another guilty pleasure. Why I like it in two words: Christopher Lee. Why it's bad in four: Britt Ekland, Clifton James (yes, him again).

NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN-Connery returning in this long gestating project, a remake of THUNDERBALL, should have worked after so many incarnations (WARHEAD, JAMES BOND OF THE SECRET SERVICE). It didn't, even with Irvin Kerschner directing. Still, I have to give credit to a great cast: Klaus Maria Brandauer as Largo gave one of the better performances for a Bond villain, Kim Basinger as Domino, Bernie Casey as one of my favorite Felix Leiters and Barbara Carrera's Fatima Blush. It's a shame it's such an overall dud.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME-Never a big fan of this quasi-remake of YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE, substituting submarines for space capsules. It's so damn lethargic. Second tier villainess Caroline Munro would have been a better choice for the top spot instead of the boringly beautiful Barbara Bach. But, Jaws aside, a good effort, heightened by the theme song, "Nobody Does It Better", a perfect anthem for James Bond and a pre-title sequence for the ages.

TOMORROW NEVER DIES-The only film I didn't see on the big screen and I still haven't been able to warm up to this one. Michelle Yeoh and Brosnan have zero chemistry, but, surprise, surprise, he and Teri Hatcher do. A decent effort, but not very noteworthy.

DIE ANOTHER DAY- A fantastic opening sequence in North Korea begins Brosnan’s fourth and final feature.  Immediately, it takes a nasty turn southward as Bond is tortured, beaten and interrogated over the opening credits. I have a feeling this isn’t a big hit at Gitmo. Regaining its footing with villain Robert Stephens’s entrance in a SPY WHO LOVED ME Union Jack parachute to the tune of “London Calling” But soon, Halle Berry appears, spectacularly enough out of the surf, Honey Ryder-style, but she’s in an entirely different movie and not a very good one either. You know there’s something wrong when Madonna’s not the worst actress in the cast. Actually, Rosamund Pike steals the show. The ice palace section is horrendous, turning the whole enterprise into a videogame, especially the pitiful wind surfing scene. By the end, I just felt sorry for Pierce. Bad way to go out.

LICENSE TO KILL-Dalton's second turn as Bond veers into MIAMI VICE territory with mixed results. The producers didn't want to fully commit, so it's pretty much stumbles and bumbles along. Highlights are the tanker truck chase, a sequence worthy of the best of the series and the theme song, the best John Barry song John Barry never wrote, a tune sung by Gladys Knight (MOP:Mit Out Pips) that is reminiscent of one by Shirley Bassey.

A VIEW TO A KILL-Disappointing misuse of San Francisco, other than the Golden Gate Bridge, is among the many botches in Moore's not-so-grand finale. VIEW does have that classic Duran Duran theme as well as one of John Barry's finest scores and a terrific villain turn for Christopher Walken, worth the admission price alone. Otherwise, meh.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER-Yikes. Connery’s first attempt to come back as Bond failed miserably. The fact that he donated his salary to a Scottish charity is admirable even though the movie is not. Crass, stupid, sloppily constructed, this one hurts. Charles Gray, a sensational actor and villain in other pictures, is God-awfully miscast as Blofeld. Jill St John is a bottom feeding Bond girl. I wanted Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole ("Named for your father perhaps.") to stick around, but she had a pool date. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER was almost a blueprint of how the series was going to play out in the next decade and the outlook was pretty grim. It has worsened with age too. One camera shot saves this from rock bottom: Connery stands on top of an outside elevator on a Las Vegas hotel, heading for the penthouse. For one brief moment, he crosses his leg and assumes the classic James Bond pose. It’s not enough to save the movie, but at the very least, it’s something.

MOONRAKER-The worst of the worst, the nadir of the whole franchise. Absolutely nothing works in this turd. The return of Jaws was the return of an abscessed tooth as far as I was concerned. It became a bad Road Runner cartoon, one of the later ones not directed by Chuck Jones, with Richard Kiel as Wile E. Coyote. Damn, I hate this picture. The Broccoli crime family showed time and time again that they were insecure with their own hero, trying to plug him into whatever craze was popular at the time. In this case, it was STAR WARS and the results are disastrous. I'm surprised they didn't try to send him to Middle Earth for some LORD OF THE RINGS caper. Adhering to current trends just cheapens the character and comprises the integrity of the whole series. MOONRAKER was the first Ian Fleming book I read as a kid, so I had been looking forward to it for over twelve years. Imagine my disappointment when this appeared. It was like getting E-coli for Christmas. PU.    

This list is bookended by the same directors. Lewis Gilbert and Guy Hamilton directed my most and least favorites. Imagine that.

So where is SKYFALL going to land on this list? I'll have to get back to you on that. Since what ever delayed its production, the future looks bright for Bond. I, 007 aficionado with a license to geek, am relieved that, as the end credit so often reads that JAMES BOND WILL RETURN. And when he does, so will I.

As far as I'm concerned, nobody does it better.

You STILL Only Live Twice

I loves me some James Bond, but especially You Only Live Twice. as this excerpt from my movie memoir In the Dark: A Life and Times in a Movie Theater (Special Edition) will explain:

Late in 1967 came the summer release of the next “official” 007 film and my sentimental favorite, You Only Live Twice.

Granted, From Russia with Love and Goldfinger are better films overall, but Twice is the one I could claim as my very own, mainly because I was allowed to see it all by my lonesome without parental supervision. It was a milestone in my movie-going career and I took full advantage of it. I felt like I had spent the entire summer at the Esquire Theater watching Twice, though the actual total came to 9 times. I became such a regular, the manager put me to work a few times, which I did gleefully, tearing ticket stubs and closing the auditorium at show time. He repaid me with free popcorn and a cardboard cutout of Connery as Bond holding a space helmet in one hand and a Walther PPK in the other, which was part of a lobby display (shades of Bambi!)Though only twelve years old at the time, I became friendly with the nineteen-year-old concession stand worker, a cute girl named Denise, who helped get me into her karate class, something I wanted to do as a result of seeing You Only Live Twice. The karate, that is, not the nineteen-year-old girl. I was twelve! If something had happened between the two of us, don’t you think I would have told you?)

You Only Live Twice had all the elements I wanted in a Bond movie. The then-exotic locale of Japan was fascinating. The women were all hot and, at twelve, I was really beginning to take notice (forget the nineteen-year-old already!) John Barry’s music is both exciting and romantic as only his can be. The final battle sequence set in the volcano rocket base, an outstanding production design by Ken Adam, is a jaw-dropping action sequence to this very day. Donald Pleasance is absolutely wonderful as Bond’s chief villain, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Mike Myers must have thought so too since his character of Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers series is undoubtedly a burlesque Blofeld. Then there was one of the high points of every young boy’s life when he discovers what a ninja is, introduced to the cinematic world in this film.

Since the introduction of Bond’s gadget laden Aston Martin in Goldfinger, each preceding film had a new vehicle for him to commandeer and Twice is no exception. This introduced a mini-helicopter named Little Nellie, complete with machine guns and other implements of destruction. Years later, I had a 1979 Honda Civic that had the color and near size of a cough drop. As a tribute, I named her…you guessed it, Little Nellie. Many a time, I wished Q had been my mechanic.

One single camera shot in You Only Live Twice totally epitomized the entire James Bond persona to me. In the middle of the film, there is a long shot of Bond fighting the bad guys on a warehouse roof. The camera pulls back just as Barry’s theme music reprises. It is a moment frozen in my time and made me swell with an excitement I’d never felt before. Here in these few seconds is everything I felt a movie hero should be, one guy against ‘em all-and winning.

In the Dark: A Life and Times in a Movie Theater is available in paperback and Amazon Kindle

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/scottcherney

http://www.amazon.com/Scott-Cherney/e/B004KJOHN8/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

P.S. The title of this blog is intentionally lame. It's a reference to the sequel of I Know What You Did Last Summer, the insipidly named I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

I know what I'm doing...some of the time.

Indiana Jones and No Kingdom for Old Men

I have been opposed to yet another installment of the Indiana Jones saga from the very beginning. As far as I

was concerned, ...THE LAST CRUSADE had been a fitting finale, finishing out a trilogy which pretty much tied it all up in a ribbon of closure so we could all move on. The first thing was that it cleansed the palate after THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, the weakest of the three (albeit, the best title). It also included the ingenious casting of Sean Connery as his father, the most significant addition to the series and helped flesh out its main character as a result. There were elements that actually touched the heart, something unheard in this genre. Finally, they rode off into the goddamn sunset. What more could possibly want? Well, if you're George "I'll never let anything go cuz I haven't had an original idea since the Seventies" Lucas, you insist on another chapter because you apparently can't have too much money. Of course the all mighty buck was the main justification for all this. What else? Ego? Bingo! Harrison Ford has grown to be irrelevant in the 21st century, his last hit of any significance being WHAT LIES BENEATH (answer: this festering turd of a movie). Ford didn't need the dough, having done quite well for himself over the years. He just needed to feel useful again. And Steven Spielberg? Apparently, he's fallen on hard times.... Uh-uh. Leggo my ego. Ergo, INDY 4.

Needless to say, I thought this was a bad idea. An aging star reviving an iconic role...hmmm, can anyone say NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN? Yep, Sean stumbled big time trying to bring himself back as James Bond in the mid 1980s, replete with a new rug and a Roger Moore sensibility. It did not work. Want another example? Hw about RETURN TO MAYBERRY?

But that was then.

This is now. We live in an era where originality takes a back seat to cheap imitation (THE MUMMY, NATIONAL TREASURE), endless rehashing (THE MUMMY 2, NATIONAL TREASURE 2) and crass reimagining (oh, you name it). Don't forget that just in the last decade, we were blessed with the Chapters 1-3 of the STAR WARS saga, AKA The Ugly, The Bad and The Good.

Finally, after years of speculation and Lucas procrastination, INDY 4 finally saw the light of day. And its title: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. First of all, the title is too long. It should be INDIANA JONES AND THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Maybe KINGDOM is in there to try to match INDIANA JONES AND THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK...except, NOBODY calls it INDIANA JONES AND THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! (Moot? You betcha! I have as much geek cred as any little obsessive ass with a blog.)

However, I find it safe to say, that this installment can be summed up in two words:

GOOD ENOUGH.

Maybe lowered expectations took the stress out of the situation, but I actually found the film to be quite good from the moment it began. Sure, it's corny as get out with every period cliche in the book, but it is a crash course in 1950s pop culture. You got your Commies. You got your red-baiting FBI type. You got the Bomb. You got Brando wannabe punk Mutt Williams (worst name ever. Sounds like a sportscaster at a Midwest TV station.) You got Area 51. You got your rock n' roll, daddy-o.

Some of the action and pacing is stodgy and clumsy in places (the sword fight on motorcycles? Yeesh...), but the second half really does rev it up, Indy-style with a couple of honest to God jaw dropping moments, namely the army ants and the Mayan ruins. Nobody, but nobody does epic action like lil' Stevie Spielberg.

As for Shia LeBeouf as Mutt....well, he's okay. I don't think he'll be able to carry on the mantle if that's what they have in mind. He has no jaw and I don't think he'll age well. He has no chin.

Karen Allen does. She looks as adorable as she did in RAIDERS. Damn, that's a sweet smile. Too bad they made her so goofy toward the end. Marion and Indy really needed better moments than those awkward reconciliation moments.As for Harrison? He knocked it out of the park. Oh, maybe it tipped over the fence, but it was nice to be reminded what made us like him in the first place. He didn't embarrass himself and that was really the most important thing, let's face it, shall we?

So the film as a whole had its stumbling blocks, namely Ray Winstone's thankless and underdeveloped role. A real shame for an actor I admire. The same pretty much goes for the great Jim Broadbent. What the hell. But John Hurt was a welcome addition and Cate Blanchett...well, we're getting into dangerous ground here, mainly a sexual fantasyland with an E ticket. She was hot as balls. I'll leave it at that.

Unlike the consensus of critical opinion of this latest offering, I prefer the second half over the first. While I'm not too crazy about the epilogue, way too cutesy pie for my taste, I left the theater not feeling either cheated, compromised or sad, erasing the dread out of my system and actually feeling like telling Georgie Porgie "thank you"-mainly for not fucking it up.

THE CRYSTAL SKULL... not as good as THE LAST CRUSADE, but better than TEMPLE OF DOOM. From that standpoint, that's why I declare it:

GOOD ENOUGH.

NOW can we move on?

How about it, George?

Oh.

He's too busy working on the STAR WARS TV series.