The Doctor is In

About a year ago, I had been introduced to a co-worker’s grandson as “This is Scott. He writes books.”

“What kind of books?” the pre-teen inquired.

“Oh, they’re about me,” I told him. “I have to write about myself. Nobody else will.”

One look at my bibliography validates that statement. However, now I can make another literary claim to fame that I had nothing to do with. Scott Cherney is a supporting character in my friend Thomas Amo’s paranormal novel AN APPLE FOR ZOE: THE FORSAKEN and I am just tickled pink. Don’t believe me? Look.

ZOE (a proposed trilogy in which THE FORSAKEN is the first chapter) is one crazy-ass roller coaster read concerning the investigation of a series of occult murders that link with movie stars from the Golden Age of Hollywood and the greatest hits from the Serial Killer Hall of Fame. Once it hits the ground running, Tom’s book is positively relentless. I had barely enough time to catch my breath in between chapters before the action and horror crank up all over again. Best of all are two of the best characters I’ve run across in this genre-the insane Russian twin smoking-hot female assassins known as the Baranova Sisters, Tarista and Devonia. I can’t wait until the next installment to see what bat-shit mayhem they’ll be up to next.

As for me, I turn up about 2/3 of the way through AN APPLE FOR ZOE. Well, at least Tom’s version of me. Doctor Scott Cherney, at your service. It's funny because there actually is a Dr. Scott Cherney, an ophthalmologist who lives just down the state from me in Eugene, Oregon. I discovered him when I Googled myself one day. (Yes, I Google myself. I'm a consenting adult) But what kind of doctor am I? I’m a gopher doctor. If somebody gets sick, I gopher another doctor. Ba-dump-bump! (You can take the boy out Pollardville, but you can’t take Pollardville out of the boy) Actually, Scott is a police psychiatrist extraordinaire. Good ol’ Doc Cherney gets to utter the phrase that pays, “Billy Bob No-Nose here isn’t your typical Ned Beatty rapin’ hillbilly.” Sounds like something I’d say. Tom had also observed me when I used to smoke and added that to the character.

In a matter of three moves, he had a single cigarette from the pack to his lips and lit.

Tom said he noticed I did that every single time without fail. I had no idea. Sounds pretty cool to me, even if I haven’t smoked in over fourteen years. The only thing he changed was that the good doctor smokes non-filtered Camels while my brand of choice was Camel Light. Filters were always better otherwise you’re spitting out tobacco after every puff.

So I am humbled that my friend has chosen to honor me in this fashion. Tom has also stated that his dream cast for the film version of AN APPLE FOR ZOE, Dr. Scott Cherney will be played by…wait for it…Robert Downey Jr. Yes, really, but it's only because Bob Denver is dead.

In all sincerity, this really starts out my year on the best note possible. My friend Tom Amo made me part of his dream. Thanks, mate.

NOW WHERE THE HELL IS MY ACTION FIGURE?

AN APPLE FOR ZOE is now available from Amazon in paperback and Kindle versions. Go forth and buy a copy. Do it for me. Do it for him. Do it for Robert Downey Jr. He needs the work.

Tom’s Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Amo/e/B004NIZCM6
Tom’s blog: http://authorthomasamo.blogspot.com/

In the Summertime

IN THE SUMMERTIME

Anybody remember this sweet little ditty from 1970?

Ah, yes...those were the days, my friend.

And what is this year's summer song?

I KISSED A GIRL (AND I LIKED IT) by Katy Perry

Yes, nothing says summer like bi-curiosity. It's nothing new. Anybody remember the 1980's menage-a-trois epic SUMMER LOVERS with Peter Gallagher, Daryl Hannah and some French little whore d'orveurvre? Anybody? Bueller?

Ahhh...what would Mungo Jerry say back in the innocent days of 1970?

"In the summertime,
When the weather is hot,
You can stretch right up and touch the sky.

When the weather's right,

You got women, you got women on your mind.

Have a drink, have a drive,

Go out and see what you can find."

Drinking and driving was really big back then. And even then, they had women on their minds.
The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Summer 2008. So far, so good, if'n ya asked me. Sure, the economy's in the dumper and most of us are trying to compensate by having STAYCATIONS (excuse me...I just retched...) instead of burning a buncha liquid gold in our gas tanks. Here's a local Oregon observation: If we can't pump our gas anyway, shouldn't stations feel obligated to require their attendants clean our goddamn windshields out of a gesture of goodwill? It's not like anyone actually check your oil or tire pressure as it is? I'm just sayin'...) Anyway, I feel extremely fortunate to live here since their is so much to do on a weekly basis during the summer months...weather permitting, of course. (And I type this on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Where the hell are MY priorities?)

I am proud to announce that LARUE'S RETURN, the melodrama written by Edward Thorpe and myself, was the summer attraction at the Golden Chain Theatre in Oakhurst, California. The spirit of Pollardville lives on!

IRON MAN, the first hit of the summer movie season, was a nice, unexpected surprise, especially to non-superhero afficionados. However, it would not have worked half as well without Robert Downey Jr. in a sta-making performance twenty years in the making. While the rest of the film was entertaining, I would have almost watched him making his suit for two hours. Nice job, Mr. Downey and I apologize for all the shitty things I've said about you over the years. You, sir, gave the best performance of a comicbook hero ever.

Another recommendation is SON OF RAMBOW, a nice little Brit pic by Garth Jennings about a couple of kids making their own sequel to FIRST BLOOD. Funny, always inventive and a must-see for anyone who ever made their backyard movies. I'd put this on a double bill with STAND BY ME. It will be released to DVD in August.

I haven't seen THE DARK KNIGHT and probably won't for some time, thanks to the overabundance of hype surrounding it. Nothing could live up to this. I prefer for the throngs to die down and collect themselves before I forge ahead. In other words, shut up already! I'm glad this era finally a picture to call its own, but Lord have mercy, get outta my face. All I'm going to say is to not denigrate Tim Burton's BATMAN any further. It stands on its own, just as Richard Donner's SUPERMAN THE MOVIE does. I hate revisionist history. Burton's film does not suck in retrospect or any other spect for that matter...and as far as Jack Nicholson's Joker goes, it fit perfectly, especially in due of what we had before that....which was Cesar Fucking Romero! Not to mention the goddamn TV show itself. ZAP! POW! I loved it back then, but I didn't crap all over it when it evolved into the Tim Burton movies. Life is a staircase. In other words, don't take a dump on history, kids. You'll never who you are unless you know where you've been.

I caught the touring company of AVENUE Q, aka the R-rated SESAME STREET stage musical, and have to declare it one damn funny show. It was amazing to sit through a Saturday matinee of this and watch the blue-hairs storm out of the theater after all the hot puppet sex action. Yee-ha!

The Emmy nominations have been announced. MAD MEN is honored with a ton o' nominations. Bryan Cranston, my boy from BREAKING BAD is also up. But as for THE WIRE? One single solitary writing nod. What a crime. One of the best shows of all gets zippity-do-dah from its peers. But you know what? The Emmys don't matter. They mean nothing. It does nothing for any show's ratings and has no value at all, unlike the Oscars boosting the box office of winning films. The Emmys are nothing more than one big circle jerk.

So there you have it, gang. The half-way point of Summer 2008. I think I'll go out, have a drink and have a drive. Maybe I'll even kiss a girl and like it.